Married same-sex couple await recognition by state
6/15/09 | 11 comments
Guest column

Married same-sex couple await recognition by state


By Mel Vassey

When we got married last year, our guests almost universally said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to, which was exactly what we'd hoped for. The wedding ceremony was in the historic and lovely Hancock Point Chapel, and the reception was held on Schoodic Peninsula, on a bluff overlooking the islands in Frenchman Bay. For me the area holds special significance, both because my roots in the area go back some 250 years and because it's where I spent the most treasured summers of my childhood.

Clergy were well-represented at our wedding. In addition to the Unitarian Universalist minister who officiated, a dear friend who had just been ordained to the Episcopal diaconate (and who has since been ordained into the priesthood) gave the readings, and David's cousin Deb, a Lutheran minister from South Dakota, was among our guests. We felt blessed, not just because of their presence, but because of all of our friends and loved ones who joined us to celebrate that day.

Despite all of this — the $20,000 or more we brought to the state economy, our commitment to and love for each other, the ecclesiastical imprimatur — the state still didn't recognize our marriage, and won't recognize it at least until the outcome of the people's veto initiative. We went to Nova Scotia to have a legal ceremony, so that when same-sex marriages are finally recognized by this state we won't need a “do-over.”

Bishop Richard Malone and Michael Heath would have you believe that allowing the state to recognize our marriage is like dancing at the edge of the abyss. Maybe their hang-up is just over the word “marriage,” though it really seems to me to go deeper than that. The problem is that we are, in fact, married — twice. Once by an ordained minister in front of people who are dear to us and once by a justice of the peace on a beach in Canada. We would simply like the state to grant that fact recognition and to provide to us the same protections and responsibilities it does to other married couples.

After all, the state already recognizes plenty of marriages that the Catholic Church would not condone or recognize. Atheists, divorcees, Catholics with adherents of other faith traditions, infertile couples — all of these are anathema to at least some part of the Roman Catholic church hierarchy, and yet they can still be legally married in this and any other state. This is because marriage as a civil institution is distinct from and, from the perspective of the secular state, more important than the religious ceremony. Regardless of whether or not a priest is involved, the marriage simply does not exist in the eyes of the state unless the couple has paid their fee and obtained a marriage license.

The word “marriage” has served double duty for all of this nation's history, signifying both the religious union and the secular one. The latter, at least, has changed and evolved as this nation has, such that the term “traditional marriage” as it's currently thrown around carries little meaning with regard to the civil institution. Wives were once the property of their husbands and were prohibited from owning property of their own, interracial marriages were once proscribed, but these have long since fallen by the wayside, despite dire warnings from religious conservatives at each step that eliminating these discriminatory practices would destroy the very fabric of society.

And yet with this latest stage in the evolution of civil marriage, Bishop Malone warns us that the state's recognition of same-sex marriages will “reverberate throughout society with tragic consequences.” It is, quite frankly, a worn out canard that needs to be retired. Civil marriage has always changed to meet the times, and in that sense, this latest change is perfectly in keeping with tradition. So when Bishop Malone and Michael Heath try to restrict the secular institution to their particular religious concept of “traditional marriage,” it makes one wonder: Who is really trying to change the definition of marriage?

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Comments
11 comments on this item
On 6/15/09 at 8:04 AM, karenlite wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Congrats to you both and Best Wishes for a long and happy marriage!

It will certainly be a day of celebration when same sex marriage is accepted in Maine and all states.

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On 6/15/09 at 12:03 PM, amvassey wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

As Mel's Mom, I am very proud of my son and my son-in-law, David, for standing up for what is right and what they believe. As a Christian I continue to be dismayed and disappointed by those that use my religion to support prejudiced and bigoted beliefs. Unfortunately Christians that do not support such prejudiced, out-dated beliefs as proposed by Bishop Richard Malone and Michael Heath often forget to speak up and be heard. By doing so we allow the ultra-conservative folks in our state to be our voice.

As stated above, it will be a day of celebration when all persons are recognized as having the right to live with the same rights as others enjoy. Please support same sex marriage in the wonderful state of Maine.

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On 6/15/09 at 12:38 PM, chersully2000 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Such a thoughtful, well-expressed piece. Congratulations on your marriage and glad you could have that ceremony in Nova Scotia as well. Hopefully, it will not be long before your marriage will be recognized here in Maine too!

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On 6/15/09 at 1:14 PM, vasseyb wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

I am Mel's dad, and I knew he was articulate, but this is a great article. Today I thank God that Mel was born gay. It has made me a better person. I admit, though, that I am a recovering bigot.

Mel's mother & I will have been married 41 years this August. I don't feel that Mel & David's marriage will ruin our 'traditional' marriage, nor the institution of marriage, either locally or globally. Too many religions condemn people who are different from them. The Taliban or Al Qaeda might even shoot you for being different. Jesus embraced 'different' people, ALL people being sinners [read Paul's letter to the Romans].

Yesterday in his sermon our pastor recounted a conversation he had had with another minister. The other minister said that if you wanted to fill the pews in your church, teach hatred. Our Congregational church could stand to put more people in the pews, no doubt, but I'm glad we won't be using that method to do it.

It is clear to me that God made Mel and David gay. It would scare the hell out of me to stand up and tell God He made a mistake. We are glad to have David as a son-in-law.

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On 6/15/09 at 1:19 PM, jspear wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

This piece and the supporting comments are a wonderful addition to my day. Congratulations to this family and to the new member of it, it is great to see love so clearly expressed.

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On 6/15/09 at 1:25 PM, chersully2000 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

vasseyb:

Thank you so much for writing and sharing that. It was very moving and so honest.

I so agree about what you wrote, too, about filling pews in churches. The church I attend has a good attendance, but I would not want it filled up more if it was by these divisive, hate-teaching people.

The best to you and your family.

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On 6/15/09 at 5:53 PM, RevTrue wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

You are a fine example of love. God Bless you both.

Rev. Robert True

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On 6/15/09 at 7:50 PM, forHIMtoday wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

amvassey, you say as a Christian your dismayed and disappionted because people don't support what God doesn't support. Are you serious? When did the bible become outdated to someone that calls herself a Christian? Now one is labeled "ultra-conservative" To believe the truths in scripture? You are seriously blinded if you think for a minute God has given His blessing on something He clearly condemns.

1 Cor 6:9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals

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On 6/15/09 at 9:25 PM, chersully2000 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

vasseyb and Mel Vassey: The best to you and your family. Many many people are in your corner...just know that!

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On 6/17/09 at 8:03 AM, jspear wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

amvassey, don't listen to forhim, his narrow views and interpretations are his, it is his free will and right to hold them but they do not apply to the world and everyone in it. I support you and your support of the people you love....I think God does too.

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On 6/19/09 at 12:07 PM, jspear wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

forhim, yes a christian disappointed. Perhaps she sees the negative spin, the hate, the fear the loathing for her son. Who would not rise up to support thier child. Even if she sees him as a sinner, which she obviously does not, why wouldn't she be disappointed by the rage expressed here and on other posts by "christians"? And yes, I believe she is serious, she has serious disagreements with those that would condemn her son and his mate based only on their preference for each other. Maybe she is reluctant to throw the first stone, perhaps she leaves judgement to god, you have heard all the arguments against over and over. I respect christians who respect their sons and daughters and all other gay and lesbian people by granting them the rights to be who they are. peace

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