True peace not found at the grave
10/3/09 | 17 comments
renee ordway

True peace not found at the grave


By Renee Ordway
Special to the NEWS

I’m not exactly sure what piece of the grieving process some people resolve by sitting at a grave site or leaving a single rose at a makeshift roadside shrine.

But clearly either works for some.

It is why on any given day in the spring you may find a gray-haired woman kneeling by a headstone, swatting mosquitoes and planting geraniums. She probably finds some comfort in that act — perhaps a sense of purpose or responsibility. I’m not one of those.

For the past 38 years my father has been buried at a cemetery in Etna that I visited when his mother and father died and joined him in that plot. I was 8 years old when he died and I have never found a great sense of peace or connection by visiting there.

Most of my family members are buried in a plot in Newport. For the most part they were relatively older people. Their loss was still significant, of course, the headstones and footstones marking generations and memories that are important to recall.

Among those, however, is the stone that marks the grave of my niece, who was 20 when she died in a car accident. Her stone sticks out among the other, more traditional ones. Hers has a pig engraved on it. Pigs were her favorite animal. “The Wizard of Oz” was her favorite movie. On her stone there is a pig with its nose in the air and the words “We’re off to see the wizard.”

She died in 2000 on Route 100 between Newport and Pittsfield. Until this past summer a cross bearing her name stood at the site where she died. Her mother never stopped at that site. Nor did I. But her friends would go there and leave flowers or coins or whatever they felt appropriate.

For many of those years my mother drove by that site on her way to work and said a little something to her first grandchild as she passed. I think that probably gave her some comfort.

Last month someone went to Joyce McLain’s grave site in Medway and drew a smiley face on the place where her picture used to be. Joyce was slain in 1980. She was 16. The picture that had once been there had long faded. The same person most likely smashed a ceramic angel that sat on top of her tombstone and also probably destroyed a makeshift cross that was nailed to a utility pole along the path where her body was found.

The death of Joyce McLain has probably received more attention as a “cold case” than any other in recent Maine history. This I can tell you. The best detectives in the state of Maine have been putting countless hours into this case, which is decades old.

On Friday, Maine State Police Sgt. Troy Gardner addressed the media. He has been working this case for quite some time, but has not always been willing to talk about it publicly. For reporters, that can be very frustrating.

We, as well as the people of the East Millinocket community, can debate whether Gardner’s decision to come forward now to discuss the recent vandalism is an attempt to put more pressure on the person or persons who may have killed Joyce McLain.

Were the person or persons responsible or someone related to them feeling some pressure? Could it have been a silly group of adolescents? Yup!

Here’s my thought. I think that better-trained, more disciplined detectives are overcoming decades of lost information to make some headway into Joyce McLain’s slaying. It is very possible that those responsible or those connected to those responsible could be getting nervous and careless and angry.

Right now those in the East Millinocket community who may have some idea as to whether the vandalism was simply a stunt by idiots or something more significant need to step up.

With all of the effort and emotion that has been put into this case, the detectives and Joyce’s mom deserve to know just how much importance to apply to this latest incident.

Joyce’s mom can put up a new cross and place a new angel atop her daughter’s gravestone. How important that symbolism is is a matter for her.

There is a team of detectives out there with only one thing in mind and that is finding those responsible for Joyce McLain’s death.

It has nothing to do with sitting by her grave site or honoring a makeshift shrine. That is not where their peace lies.

reneeordway@gmail.com

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Comments
17 comments on this item
On 10/2/09 at 11:13 PM, chersully2000 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

A moving piece by Renee. Yes, the true tribute to Joyce would be to find her killer and finally give Pam, Joyce's mother, and the rest of her family some much deserved justice and peace. May it happen soon. Pam and her family have suffered way too much.

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On 10/3/09 at 5:46 AM, caeser_of_bangor wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

you are cold

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On 10/3/09 at 6:12 AM, benoddway wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

i don't belive you have a heart.

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On 10/3/09 at 6:51 AM, pammclain wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

To: caeser_of_bangor I noticed on yesterday you put , Here we go again, today you wrote ,you are cold ? Very short, and to the point ? Is there a reason ? And to whom is it directed. Pam McLain

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On 10/3/09 at 7:36 AM, tysmom wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

ceaser_of_bangor - Are you at it again? We know its you killswitch_end_game, bottled goodness,, frosted butts, thecondkingofmaine, _Deschaine, champisbeer, that beer guy, and the devil..... Why don't you do everyone a favor and just turn off your computer or at least stop commenting on stories, No one cares what you have to say, you are just rude and make stupid meaningless comments.

Also just neeed to know why you have to hide behind so many screen names??? Most of us are fine with just using one, but then again we generally make comments that are about the story.

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On 10/3/09 at 9:06 AM, nwayne wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

I really think that caeser_of_bangor needs to be interviewd by the police. The things he comes up with are makeing him stick out like a sore thumb. For some reason, this case seems to bother him. Why?

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On 10/3/09 at 9:10 AM, spunky wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

I was a little surprised at some of this article but everyone is entitled to an opinion I suppose. For some people (myself included) being able to go visit a loved ones grave or take care of a memorial brings them comfort. I cant explain why but it just does.Its nice to go to the grave, plant some pretty flowers or greenery and perhaps vent a lil bit and yes there is comfort in that as well.

I lost my mom to COPD in Feb 2009, at her request she was cremated and I have a small angel urn on a rope that I keep hanging on my rear view mirror, my mom is always with me. We all find comfort/peace in our own way and if it works for us then who are you to make light of it??

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On 10/3/09 at 9:21 AM, HarryHSnyderIII wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Some years ago, a boy in Lubec committed suicide. He was a friend of one of my children, and I went to his funeral. John, the boy living with me at the time, left the frisbee we used to throw on the grave. Flowers, crosses, and even the stone were not appropriate markers (IMHO) but the frisbee was.

Each to their own.

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On 10/3/09 at 2:38 PM, caeser_of_bangor wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

pammclain no I am not directing it at anyone...I think that sitting next to my parents' (notice the apostrophe) brings me peace sometimes when I think about them. Your daughter's grave desecration is horrible, dispicable... this was done by someone evil. I am not evil. well at least in that way.

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On 10/3/09 at 2:41 PM, caeser_of_bangor wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

i'm just pointing out that "here we go again" means that someone is doing these things to provoke a response out of you. maybe it was just random you never could know until the "suspect" that everyone thinks I am is interviewed by police when I work almsot every night and also haven't been to Millinocket Area since last year. Hmm, methinks you are wrong on this one.

Also I'm 23, so stop thinking these wild "notions" you have...

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On 10/3/09 at 5:15 PM, pammclain wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

You say such stupid things to bring notice to yourself? You need attention. I never said I think your Joyce's killer??? I think you want and need attention, and know how to get it. I don't know about you and Joyce's stone ,or the broken cross from the pole line. You at 23 yrs. could have done that I guess.I don't know who you really are, How old you really are, if your parents are even dead, How old did you say your sister was? What do you do for a night job, pc work? If your checked out, it will be because the State police are reading these and if they feel you need checking out they'll do it. They called the press this trip around, not me. They may know more then folks give them credit for. I say watch out killer, they may be very close .

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On 10/3/09 at 7:12 PM, MaineSurvivor2 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

What a terrible article Renee! You need to get a life and a new career. Pathetic subject with a stretch.

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On 10/3/09 at 7:14 PM, MaineSurvivor2 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Do you actually get paid to write this garbage Renee?

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On 10/3/09 at 7:22 PM, chersully2000 wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Pam: People are with you , all the way.

Thanks Renee for this column.

tysmom: And most are honest and above board, unlike a few posters.

Once again, the message Renee was conveying was not that one should not find peace and comfort at a grave site of a loved one. Rather, she was speaking to Pam and the pain she has endured and how necessary it is to find some justice and peace for Pam and her family. It will require more than Pam visiting her daughter's grave. Most people would get this, of course.

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On 10/4/09 at 6:50 AM, pammclain wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

I did get what Renee was saying, but I had a few that talked to me that didn't get what was being said, was read to fast I think? Pam

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On 10/4/09 at 12:55 PM, Raysgirl wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Pam McLain is my hero. I love her tenacity, in the face of grief, to keep this effort in the public arena, to find justice for Joyce. No family deserves this more than this one. All families DO deserve justice for any murder, but Pam has spent 29 years of her own life, working to keep this in the public arena in order to find the person who killed her child. I am sure Joyce knows how much advocacy her Mom has provided for her.

I do not necessarily agree with Renee Ordway. SHE does not understand the role that graves and memorials play in grief and closure, but we, as readers, should not construe that to mean there is no role. For some, there is, for others, those roadway shrines are important, maybe even more important.

My own daughter, who was nearly twice Renee's age when she lost her Dad, designed his gravestone using CAD software. For her, that was an important act of closure and I know her Dad is very proud of the research and work that went into that planning. For my child, it was a labor of love. She had the talent, and the means to give her Dad that final gift.

This attack on Joyce's grave and on her memorial leaves no doubt the attack was personal, whatever the reason. I am sorry that the McLain family has to endure this. Attacking a grave and a memorial is cowardly.

I do understand what Renee was saying, but her experiences are her own, and so are her opinions. I, for one, disagree with her. I believe this article would have been better served if Renee had asked for Pam's reflections on the emotions she feels when she is at these locations, the grave and the memorial.

Lets all send a few dollars to: Justice For Joyce, Bangor Savings Bank, 87 Main St., East Millinocket 04430 and help Pam replace the faded pic. There are new technologies that will help keep the photo from fading. Having the photo screened, placed in a weather proof ceramic frame that can be attached to Joyce's stone is one way we can show our solidarity with Pam's quest to find her child's killer.

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On 10/6/09 at 9:01 AM, Cre8RoyalPalm wrote:         Repeated separate thumbs down will cause comment to be hidden

Connection, Renee...it is all in spiritual connection.

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