Until you’ve moved to a completely different area of the country, you might not realize the nuances you’ve become accustomed to in your home region. If you’ve lived your entire life in Alabama, for instance, grits are as much a part of breakfast as orange juice. If you’ve lived your whole life in Minnesota, grits are something you make your children at least try (“Just one bite, and if you don’t like it, you never have to eat it again”) at a quaint diner with home cooking because you want them to like ethnic food. If you are a military family, however, and have lived on both coasts and many places in between, you and your children likely are a patchwork quilt of the dialects, acquired tastes and experiences of the whole United States and maybe even the world.
Some people perceive military families to be sheltered, uneducated and less worldly than their civilian counterparts, when in fact military families have lived in small towns, big cities, overseas, across the United States, and in almost every socioeconomic and cultural environment you can think of. They take those experiences with them to their next duty station. Think of them as cultural fairies, if you will, spreading in each new place the dust of all of the places they have visited and lived in.
Having been a military dependent my entire life, I thought I was your average, generic American. I thought I had no distinct dialect or habits tying me to a particular region of the country.
Then I moved to Maine.
“Excuse me, do y’all have a public restroom?” I asked an employee at the local supermarket.
The man looked stunned. He didn’t answer. He just scratched his head and stared at me.
“A public restroom?” I said again.
“Ayuh,” he said.
It sounded like he had coughed. So I said, “Bless you.”
“Excuse me?” he said.
“Yes, God bless you. So, do y’all have a public restroom?”
The man pointed to the back corner of the supermarket, where there was, of course, a large sign and an arrow pointing to the restrooms. “Ayuh,” the man said again.
“Bless you.”
I guess I should have known that my family would stand out in this new part of the country the moment we put on sweat shirts and pants in 79-degree weather. Still, I clung to the hope that we might remain inconspicuous.
I especially hoped that our children would blend in. I bought Boston Red Sox shirts and New England Patriots jerseys to replace their blue and orange Gator clothes, which I thought pegged Ford and Owen as being very much from Florida. But the new team shirts didn’t help this week when Owen, who just started kindergarten, went to his orientation wearing a ski hat and said, “They have big heels [Southern for hills] in Maine.”
On the first day of school, it was hard to watch my children struggle to fit in with the other kids on the playground before the school bell rang. Like my incident in the supermarket, Ford and Owen misunderstood their new peers just as much as their new peers misunderstood them. Owen talked about his “Star Wars” action figures, hoping it would earn him some friends, then quickly realized that unlike our old neighborhood, Pokemon, not “Star Wars,” seems to be all the rage here. Kids in Maine play ice hockey more than they go to the beach, and no one except my two boys was wearing tennis shoes with built-in air-conditioners.
But the first day of school was hard for me in a different way, too. Like my boys, I arrived at the playground with no friends. I watched other moms stand in circles and talk about their summers. They marveled at how each other’s children had grown. No one knew that Owen had grown 1 inch since May or that Ford has lost two teeth. No one knew the Smileys at all. Then I thought about our friends in Florida, how they might be standing around saying, “Have you heard from the Smileys yet? Are they liking Maine?” I knew that someday I would be part of the new circles and so will my boys. And then we will leave this new home, too. Which is the blessing — and the curse — of being a military family.
Maine author and columnist Sarah Smiley’s writing is syndicated weekly to publications across the country. She and her husband, Dustin, live with their three sons in Bangor. Sarah Smiley’s new book, “I’m Just Saying ...,” is available wherever books are sold. Read more about Sarah at www.sarahsmiley.com.
On 9/15/08 at 7:12 PM,
Bizzy221 wrote:
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I was a military wife for 21 years, so I feel I can comment with some knowledge of what life is like for a military family. We have lived in the South, North East and Western United States as well as In the Middle East and I have to say, we have always been welcomed into each local community with open arms. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time adjusting to "Maine Living". Maybe it could be the condescending attitude that you seem to display towards the locality and people here in Maine. I find the local folks very friendly and they have no problem understanding my husband's "Y'Alls" or his Louisiana Cajun Lingo. Maybe if you try introducing yourself to other young mother's at your son's school in a friendly manner, you will be pleasantly surprised and they will welcome you into their circle. I think you could learn a lot from them, once you get to know them. I like to think that what you write in your columns is satirical, and not meant to be taken seriously, otherwise, I think you are in for a long, lonely tour in Bangor, Maine.
Barbie, Sebec, Maine
On 9/17/08 at 3:03 AM,
Johninphilippines wrote:
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Gee, Mrs. Smiley...we get grits here from ground white corn at our loal "pakengke" or open-air market by the 5 or 10-ppund bagful if you want, and I eat them literally every day! They are fresh and delicious with two fried eggs, DAK ham slices or honey-cured bacon slices...Virginia-style, and folowed up with fresh mangoes, papayas, or jackfruit and one container of Nestle Fruit Selection yogurt for breakfast. My first introduction to grits was in Boston, Massachusetts in 1963, when, at my college dormitory on Boylston Street, the Black cooks, wonderful, kind and gracious ladies, would make me eat them every day for breakfast...actually "force them down my throat", because I was too skinny, they claimed. Of course, a cold glass of fresh coconut "milk" is a necessity, as a chaser. Glad to see you are back with your articles. They are refreshing. I experienced first-hand, as a native "Mainiac", that after I had been away, moving because of job offers out west and down south, whenever I returned, I had a feeling that I was unwanted. Much like the dog who got replaced when it got loose and ran away from home. I had developed accents and traits nobody could understand...and I hardly could understand and be acclamated to what was spoken in "Mainese", either. Even my wife, (who is a native Filipina) who spent over 20 years in Texas with me, could not understand most of the words Mainers spoke, and their dialect was always misunderstood. We were the aliens...the foreigner's. Do you mean to tell me that "Pokemon" is the rage in Maine, now? That went out over here in the Philippines, at least by the time we left Texas, back in 1993! I really don't mean to be critical...however, it seems whenever we visit Maine, we have such a difficult time in relating to the folks there. One time, I intended to see a friend of my mother's, and was told that I, ..."have to make an appointment" to come to their house. For God's sakes, alive! I did not go, and I plan never to see her ever again! I guess this woman was trying to impress me because she was a babysitter and was too busy to have me visit her for 5 minutes. Don't worry, says my wife to you through this posting...it is not you that has to adjust...it is the locals that have to adjust because these folks, as nice as they are, are standoffish to anything "new", including "new" people they could be intimidated or ashamed to meet. See, Florida is so far away from Maine...and out of reach of the folks, both time-wise and financially to get there, it is like another world. People who traveled the world and have college education and social experiences seem to be from the Planet XSM-0639. Ayuh. Just try to be patient, take things with a roll, and always remember what I said before in a former web response to you...that people there will always try to tell you how to do things, what to say, how to say it, how to spell it, where to go, what to wear, what kinds of tires to put on your car, and all about things that make no sense at all and things you knew before as a teenager. Good luck to you and the family, Ayuh! Now...I 'gottah git to dennah...Im hungreh! Ayuh!
On 9/17/08 at 8:24 PM,
Katofbangor wrote:
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Johninphillipines, it seems you have the answers for everything-------I guess we here in Maine should be in awe of you (NOT)
On 9/18/08 at 7:03 PM,
Johninphilippines wrote:
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My dear "Katofbangor"...apparently I DO seem to have answers for everything...that is if you agree to the answers. I have a considerable amount of experience, and have traveled, and worked in many places in the US and the world over. I have met many people in my life, and gained entrance into their homes, lives and cultures. If you have ever been away from Maine, and then come back to the state...or the city or town you lived in before...just watch the attitude of the people and see the varied differentials they have toward you. My mom and dad had the money to send me to schools and although I was fortunate in that way, my learning curves went very high through my life. I'am 65 years old, and although I do not know your age (and I do not care) or educational level, social education is important. Have you traveled? I doubt it by the method and toneage of your answers, but please do not criticize if someone has feedback on an article and that feedback can make some sense, or to view "the other side" of the issues, Just try to understand, I was born during WW II, and have been prime witness to all the events in history since that time. I will not mention my education and the college degrees I have, my military experience, employment, political life, or nothing like that...you simply would continue not to understand. My narratives, sometimes do not reflect the attitudes of ALL Maine folks...just the ones that I have come in contact with who seem to be envious. Please understand. In Sarah Smiley's articles, she even made fun at the way her native southerner's speak, and me, from Maine, did the same (Aroostook Cty. has "pure localism)...all in fun. Either see the humor in it or don't read it.
On 10/2/08 at 2:07 PM,
Yvonne wrote:
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Only a know-it-all would admit to having answers for everything, so if the shoe fits John! We all know of your vast experiences and incredible education how?, you might ask, BECAUSE YOU TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF! Lift up your low self-esteem and stop acting so superior.
On 10/2/08 at 2:31 PM,
Cherry wrote:
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That must be so hard, especially for you in thinking about your boys, Ms. Smiley. I wish you well and know that in time, you will find nice, good hearted, genuine people in Bangor. Many of us are laid back and peaceful. I am sure your boys will adjust sooner than you, cause that's what kids do. Good luck to you and if I hear a Southern accent in Bangor, I'll think of you and remember to be a little more helpful and personable to show that Maine is a welcome place. peace and love
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