I despise Walter Iooss Jr. with all my heart.
When you were young (remember?) what did you want to do with your life? Become an astronaut? A firefighter? A Wall Street thief? Or play center field for the Red Sox?
I knew what I wanted to be the first time I saw my first issue of “Sports Illustrated.” I was a half-good photographer from the get-go, mostly because everyone else in my family was so bad. On a 1960s trip to the Watkins Glen races, I actually stood on the tarmac as racing cars roared by me at 120 mph. It scared the hell out of me, but the pictures (slides, if you can believe it) were pretty good. I assume the security there has improved somewhat.
My first newspaper job came when I was assigned to cover Tommy “Satch” Sanders at the Attleboro, Mass. Rotary. I was a mad Celtics fan and l knew more about the Celtics than the editor who assigned me and the story was all right. But I was hired because the pictures came out. Then I worked at the Gloucester Times under master photographer Charlie Lowe, and got even better. I thought I was at the top of the world when I opened a photo studio on Boston’s tony Newbury Street. Naturally, I lost my shirt.
While I was destroying my bank balance, I always came back to “Sports Illustrated” and the amazing photography. All I wanted was one “Sports Illustrated” cover, with the last minute touchdown at the Rose Bowl. Instead, I ended up covering the Camden selectmen, the Cushing town meeting and the Warren zoning board — for 30 years.
Guess what Walter Iooss (I hate him) was doing all those years? He was taking pictures for “Sports Illustrated” at the Rose Bowl, the Super Bowl and everywhere in between. When he wasn’t doing that, he was taking pictures of gorgeous swimsuit models on beaches around the world.
Just to rub it in, “Sports Illustrated” ran an article last week on Iooss and his adventures. Iooss says the best athletes of all time (excluding the original Olympics) are John Unitas, Arnold Palmer, Jim Brown, Michael Jordan and Joe Montana. He has photographed them all. Jim Brown says he is the best of them all and I do not choose to argue.
Naturally, Iooss was at the first Super Bowl and he celebrated by getting as drunk as he could the night before. It was the first and last time he went to work hung over. He sat at the wrong end of the field, just the right place to get the perfect (“Sports Illustrated” cover) picture of Green Bay Packer Max McGee catching a touchdown pass. McGee later admitted that he, too, was hungover.
During the NBA All Star dunking contests, Jordan would point to which side of the court he was going to, so Iooss could get the perfect shot. He did. Reggie Jackson, one of my personal faves, promised that he would hold a home run pose so Iooss could get a good shot. Jackson promised to hit a home run in his next at bat… and did. Naturally he held the pose for Iooss. On the way to first he turned to the photographer and asked, “How was that?”
What a life. I was busy at the Winterport planning board and couldn’t make it.
I hate winter with all my heart. I have no idea what I am doing living in Maine. Our boy Walter has been traveling to places such as the Bahamas and Acapulco photographing the most beautiful women in the world and getting paid for it. Let’s listen to Walter.
“Shooting a beautiful girl is no different from shooting a great athlete. You work with the light, go with your environment. The worst thing about swimsuit shoots? There is none,” he said.
His favorite? Christie Brinkley. Mine too. “I called her Smokin’ Christie Brinkley. We’d bring her in last, after all the other girls, when we were feeling burned out, two or three weeks into a shoot. Then, in came Christie with this great big personality and everyone was energized again. She was the closer.”
Tell me you don’t hate him, too.
When he was shooting Yankee great Mariano Rivera, Iooss asked the legend where he learned his unhittable cutter pitch. Rivera said it came from God.
“God never taught me anything,” Iooss complained. The nerve. Rivera said “Oh, yes he did. He gave you your great talent. You should be thankful.” The most outstanding thing I ever did in Yankee Stadium was use the men’s room urinal beside Bob Costas.
Don’t hate him enough?
“People play the lottery for the same reason I do my job. They are hoping some magic moment comes along and they win $10 million. I’ve been winning my whole career,” Iooss said.
I rest my case, your honor.
Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.