Before the floods came, this was going to be my “camping summer.” The plan was to visit a different state park every week for a few nights, finally using all this camping equipment I have collected over the years.
Since there are three kayaks and a weed-choked canoe on the premises, it seemed to be time for a paddle across some new streams and rivers.
After all, who knows how many summers any of us have left?
The plan was to start at Four Seasons Campground in Naples (a family deal) for a shakedown weekend, then Cobscook Bay State Park, for $14 a night. I can afford that. But now, judging by that black sky, it looks like the L.L. Bean six-man (you must be kidding) tent will stay in the barn for another season, collecting a few more spiders and creepy crawlers.
I shall return instead to the Cobb Manor couch, where I spent most of the winter. (the cushions are wearing thin.) I will “pretend camp” not at measly state parks, but at the most posh campgrounds I can find.
Next week I will pretend pack for a trip to Clayoquot Wilderness Resort, in British Columbia. I will pretend spend $8,500 (honest to God) to spend three nights in a “luxury tent” The all-inclusive price of admission includes flights (right) from Vancouver to the resort on a remote fjord, gourmet meals, drinks, massage treatments, horseback riding, fishing, whale and bear watching, kayaking, hiking, sailing, clay shooting, rock climbing, archery, swimming, mountain biking and cooking classes.
I will go heavy on the massage, Inga, but skip the bear watching, thank you.
The next week I will center my ecological pretend camping activity in Patagonia, Chile, where Chief Al does his serious fishing. At EcoCamp, I will sleep in “luxury geodesic domes” at the base of Torres del Paine National Park, “eat scrumptious meals, take in spectacular scenery” and go on guided adventures. My ecological activities will include trekking through the mountains, kayaking, horseback-riding or having close encounters with wildlife. I will lean on my Visa for $3,760 for the seven-day trekking package.
Ever since I saw “Mogambo,” I wanted to go to Africa, especially if Ava Gardner and Grace Kelly came along. That looks less and less likely these days, especially since I refuse to fly. Instead, for the third week I will drive through the California wine country to Safari West in Santa Rosa. There I will rent another “luxury tent.” During the day, I will dress up like Clark Gable in hunting gear for my “safari drives” and get up close and personal with the giraffes, zebras, gazelles and hundreds of other animals that live on the nature preserve. At night, Ava and I will relax in a canvas tent situated atop polished wood floors and decked out with private bathrooms and plush beds. My Visa, if it is still operating, will be tapped for $170 to $295 a night for a luxury tent.
I was never much a fisherman, since I could never figure out what to do with the fish when I caught it, but naturally, I was impressed with the activity glamorized in the movie “A River Runs Through It.”
So on the fourth week, I will pretend camp and pretend fish at The Resort at Paws Up on the Blackfoot River in Montana. I will have my own 270-square-foot tent complete with king-sized bed, electricity, spacious deck, nearby private master bathroom, twice-daily housekeeping service, gourmet meals and even my own personal butler.
Imagine. Housekeeping services in a tent. A butler. Much better service than I ever got from Jefferson Phil on the St. Croix River. He once brought me a chicken dinner in the tent one night and I have never heard the end of it. You know how much a butler is going to cost? Try $3,254 for a three-night “glamping package”
Glamping. I like that.
I believe the Visa Police will be at the door by then.
If not I will spend Labor Day weekend pretend glamping at Sequoia High Sierra Camp in California. The closest I ever got to the High Sierras was watching a Bogie movie when his dog “Pard” gave him away to the cops.
I will book reservations if they don’t check the Visa too closely, and will enjoy “ a spacious tented cabin, three hearty meals a day and access to a central bathhouse with flush toilets and hot showers.” I should hope the toilets flush, at $1,500 for a three-night stay for two adults, or $2,100 or more for a three-night stay for a family of four.
Well pretend summer is over and I never left the house. It’s time to pull down the storm windows and get out the reality shovels.
Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.