Send the kiddies to the root cellar and put on your Grinch pants ’cause it is time once again to lift your voice in joyless refrain for our annual gardening holiday ditty.
You and I both didn’t think we had it in me to write a sixth yuletide melody, but then Sue from Erie, Pa., got hold of last year’s “Carol of the Worms” (from a so-called “friend,” she claimed) earlier this month and had to write to me with a load of … praise. That she was a year late I blame on the prevailing winds and the fact that she is located slightly outside our subscriber motor routes, but the pressure from my horde of a fan forced me to feel inspired.
Fuming, I considered anew the blessings from this year’s garden, now gently blanketed with snow and ice shards.
Set to the tune of “Deck the Halls,” I give you “Wreck the Haul.”
Sing it loud, sing it proud. Show Sue what she’s missing in Erie, Pa.
Maybe, just maybe, the thundering vibrations will kill the slumbering grubs.
Happy — humbug — holidays.
Wreck the haul with blight and mildew
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Pestilence was all that we grew
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Farm we now in ice and snowdrifts
Bah la la, la la la, la la la
Stole our summer and I’m so miffed
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Cabbageworms ate all the broccoli
Bah la la la la, la la la la
But the cold was good for snow peas
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Vigilance will get you nowhere
Bah la la, la la la, la la la
Beetles chew — there’s naught they do spare
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Hear our plea: We want good weather
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Make a potion, give a wee stir
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Pass the spray gun and a gas mask
Bah la la, la la la, la la la
Else give in and just grow all grass
Bah la la la la, la la la la
Note: It is not necessary to write to tell Janine that the actual Grinch does not wear pants. She is aware of this and was taking “artistic liberties” by describing pants that might correspond to the season. If she wanted to be accurate, she might have written “put on your Grinch booties” since the Grinch did wear those. The actual, imaginary, cartoon Grinch, that is.
jpineo@bangordailynews.net