I don’t know how to shop. This is a given. I am a speed shopper. I wail through Hannaford supermarket at a brisk walk, grabbing whatever strikes my fancy. I usually have a list, but it usually gets left on the dining room table. I have my favorites and I grab them, without even looking at the price. Truth be told, I often don’t look at the price when they are rung up, either.

The goal is to get home as soon as possible and eat those groceries.

Blue Eyes knows how to shop, a fact repeated on virtually every visit to any store. She scans coupons every Sunday morning and offers me ones for Dunkin’ Donuts or other stores I frequent. I take the coupons just to humor her. Because as we know, real men don’t use coupons, mostly because we will lose them long before we get to that store.

If anyone watches the QVC channel more than she does, I would like to meet them.

But even after 27 years together (I know!) I was not prepared for the Saturday shopping extravaganza for Christmas wreaths.

She insists on wreaths every winter, she even buys two for my barn doors because I never would. If memory serves she has even hung them at Cobb Manor on several winters, because the wreaths never left the bed of the Mighty Tundra.

This year, her $5 wreath pusher had passed on and a new dealer was required.

Get ready for Wreath Tour 2010.

I was forewarned and forearmed. I brought the Saturday Boston Globe complete with sports page and a crossword puzzle.

Off we went. The first stop was Weskeag Farms on Buttermilk Lane in Thomaston, overlooking the salt marshes. They had free cookies, thank God, but the price was just not right. I think it was $8. Much too much for a plain wreath, apparently.

We cruised through the “cement plant flats” to see what the truck vendors had to offer. The cruise continued through Thomaston Village, the Maine State Prison store, then to a church parking lot, selling trees, but no wreaths.

We were just warming up.

We drove to Lowe’s, The Green Thumb and off to Season’s Downeast on Simonton Road in Rockport. By then, I wasn’t even getting out of the car, concentrating on the capital of Zimbabwe (Harare) to finish the crossword.

At Season’s Downeast we (she) made a purchase for $28 (I think) for a decorated wreath. I actually thought we were done.

Silly me.

She wanted some plain wreaths for our barn doors.

Back on the wreath tour, to Home Depot, Walmart and Plants Unlimited. My head was spinning. We also checked the Power House Hill area in Glen Cove to see what those trucks were selling. No dice.

Next was Fresh Off The Farm in Rockport where I roused from my stupor to spend $15 for a pound of Rock City Colombian coffee. Typical. I had spent almost as much as she did.

Thank God, she finally got hungry and we suspended Wreath Tour 2010 to get the typically fabulous sandwiches at Three Dogs Cafe in Rockport. I thought perhaps I could survive the day as I wolfed down a turkey and stuffing sandwich.

I noticed over lunch that the beautiful blue eyes were wandering. I thought she was noticing the Santa Claus figure, waving to Route 1 traffic. But no.

Hoboken Gardens, across the street also was selling wreaths. After lunch we checked it out and then stopped at Shaw’s for their outdoor display.

No luck.

Wreath Tour 2010 had an estimated 14 stops, took several hours and God only knows how many gallons of $3 gas. I swore “never again,” as I have so many times before.

That’s right, said Blue Eyes.

Next year we are going to learn how to make our own wreaths.

I wonder which would be worse.