Teri Clavet: Three little girls, one single mom
Five feet tall and slim, Teri Clavet could pass for 16, something that rarely escapes opinionated strangers who eye her 7-year-old daughter and 19-month-old twins.
“I get these nasty looks in Walmart. ‘How old are you?’” said Clavet, 25. “I wish people would stop judging. I hate it. Everybody who sees a single parent in the store ought to high five them. That would be nice.”
When Clavet got pregnant her senior year of high school, her boyfriend denied the baby was his then moved to Florida. She dated the twins’ father for more than a year before getting pregnant again. Salina and Aliana were born in September 2010. He proposed in December. He pawned her engagement ring in March. That was the end of the couple.
She moved from Lewiston to another central Maine town to avoid him. Her ex is in Androscoggin County Jail now, awaiting trial.
“I’m court-ordered to bring (the twins) into the jail to visit him once a month,” Clavet said. “We ended on a really bad note, so I don’t like seeing him, but I go in there and try to keep my cool just for the sake of the girls.”
None of it — making a new home, caring for three girls, ignoring strangers’ contempt, finding work — has been easy. Clavet sold her car to pay an old electric bill; she’d had trouble affording the insurance anyway. She’s stuck trying to find a job close by, or within reach of a reliable carpooler, but there’s a catch. The state will help with day care if the job is 30 hours or more a week. She’s found positions for 15 or 20.
“I don’t like asking people for help,” Clavet said. “I do get (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families). I pay full rent, about $600 a month, then I pay my electric bill and my phone bill and diapers and wipes and I’m through for the rest of the month. Everything they need comes before anything I need or want.”
She catches rides where she can. A family member leaves work early to help grocery shop. On Tuesday, two days before one daughter’s checkup, Clavet wasn’t clear how she was getting there.
“Somehow, some way, I will get another car,” she said.
The girls share one bedroom. Clavet has begun potty training the twins and getting them into toddler beds. She’s adjusting to their newfound freedom and predawn shouts of “Mom! Mom!”
“I do get frustrated a lot, but it’s one of those things. I’ll go in the bathroom for five minutes and take a breather and come back out and deal with the situation,” she said.
Clavet is five classes short of an associate degree in early childhood education. She had enrolled at Andover College after graduating from Leavitt Area High School and stopped attending when her father was diagnosed with lung cancer. Clavet wants to finish that degree and possibly study American Sign Language.
She’s taught the twins 20 signs. Please. More. Book.
They’re happy, curious kids. Clavet bristles when anyone suggests twins must be a handful.
Being single, she likes that she doesn’t have to argue with anyone else about parenting styles, and “(I) get all the compliments, too.”
“You don’t know every person’s situation,” Clavet said. “For me and for the girls, this was the better decision.
Catherine Audet: Raising Haven, breathing easier
Catherine Audet recently moved to a rural part of Lewiston, paying $100 more a month in rent, so her daughter, Haven, could breathe.
The 1-year-old has asthma. She spent her first eight months with frequent trips to the hospital.
Audet, 22, doesn’t get child support. Her daughter’s father, a college student, takes her one day on the weekend. Finances have been the most difficult part of being a single mom, she said, followed by not enough energy or emotional support.
“No one to crawl into bed to at night and just feel appreciated,” she said.
Audet works full time. She feels guilty going out with friends in the evening. She misses milestones and doesn’t get enough time with Haven, as is.
Her rewards these days: “Having the cutest baby ever, pretty much,” Audet said. “Hearing her say ‘Mumma’ and recognize me, and just seeing her grow and knowing I had a part in creating life.”
Though Haven’s father had encouraged her to get an abortion — “Little did I know, he had another kid on the way” — Audet still invited him to Haven’s birth.
“I wanted to tell my child, ‘Yes, your father was there even if we aren’t together,’” said Audet.
It didn’t go off as planned.
“He had to eat a tuna fish sandwich and then breathe in my face (during delivery),” she said, laughing. “I wanted to punch him so bad. It’s my labor story.”
Cathi Gonzalez: ‘The hardest part is being everything’
Cathi Gonzalez of Lewiston is one year away from a bachelor’s degree and already thinking about law school. She’s been a legal assistant for 20 years and a single mom for almost as long.
She got pregnant with her oldest son at 19, during summer break from college. It had been a casual relationship.
“I didn’t go back to the Christian college I was going to,” she said.
She had her second son four years later, with a man who would become her husband. They had one more son. It didn’t work and the couple divorced after three years.
“The hardest part is having to be everything to my kids,” Gonzalez, 39, said. That’s taxi, chef, teacher, mom and dad. She works overtime to afford extras. Her two youngest would like her around more.
She thinks she and her sons might be closer than if dad did live at home.
“(Her oldest) will say he’s a good kid because I did such a good job. Knowing I did it myself is awesome,” she said.
He’s now 20, in the Army and has baby on the way with his girlfriend. They’ll likely tie the knot after he’s back from Kuwait at the end of the year.
“I don’t feel like it’s horrible or he’s ruined his life, and I didn’t feel that way about myself,” Gonzalez said.
Stefanie Mills: Hard questions, happy milestones
Stefanie Mills made it work after she had a son with an ex-boyfriend. Pregnant with her daughter three years later and put on bed rest, she moved home with her mom, the woman who had raised her as a single parent since Mills was 5.
“My mom is amazing,” Mills said.
The extra support helped her get back on her feet. It took a few extra years and semesters, but last May, Mills graduated from the University of Southern Maine with a bachelor’s degree in social and behavioral science. She works full time as a pre-school teacher in a classroom of children with autism.
In February, she, her 7-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter moved into their own Lewiston apartment.
Mills shares custody of her son with his father. Her daughter’s father didn’t want to be involved. He’s never met his little girl.
“She’s starting to ask me (questions about him),” Mills said. “That’s been hard.”
When one child is sick, it means missing work. Before she had a job with benefits, that also meant missing pay.
“I am exhausted 99 percent of the time. It can be exhausting being both parents,” Mills said.
Still, she calls it “the most rewarding thing I ever could have done.
“I made choices, I’m a single mother,” Mills said. “It’s been a long road, but I’m getting there.”
Kayla Trepanier: College for mom and, someday, baby
Kayla Trepanier says she was teased during her senior year in high school when people found out she was pregnant. Her boyfriend brought up marriage. He wasn’t someone she wanted to marry.
She gave birth to her daughter, Ashlynn, in September.
Trepanier, 19, and Ashlynn live in Turner with Trepanier’s mother, who watches the baby while Trepanier goes to the University of Maine at Augusta three days a week. She wants a career working with families and troubled teens.
“I don’t think I would have gone to school (were it not for Ashlynn,)” Trepanier said. “I’d be the type that wanted to work.”
Trepanier signed her daughter up for the $500 Harold Alfond Challenge grant and she’s already put word out for Ashlynn’s first birthday: She’d prefer a donation to that college fund over gifts.
Caring for her daughter solo has been difficult. Ashlynn had digestion issues. She’s on special formula. Trepanier was up with her most of last weekend with a fever.
“She’s always laughing,” Trepanier said. “The only time she cries is when I don’t get her a bottle fast enough.”
It must be nice having all this government money to help on your child’s expenses and college. Try being a single father with no outside help and paying the mother cs because the judge decided State reimbursement incentives are more important than family values. The cycle seems to be snowballing instead of coming to an end; and still we find an allure to the single Mom.
Several stories about young ladies who make bad decisions, sleep with boys that aren’t husband material and get pregnant. Then deadbeat daddy doesn’t support his offspring, I get to with my tax dollars. Wonderful. Someone get these girls some birth control.
Checked with the Catholic Church on that last point?
I think the Catholic Church also has a position on sex outside of marriage.
And I can guarantee that all the other faiths have perverts as well…you just dont hear about them because Catholicism is a bigger religion and because it is their goal to be celibut (sp) which makes it even more outrageous when you hear about it.
I’m not Catholic, so I don’t care about their position
We get to pay for you–we get to judge you.
There are enough young women out there who tried to do it right and through no fault of their own are single moms. They need the help. But those of you who make that choice without regard to the consequences are being unfair to them and unfair to your own children.
Where are the family values in today`s society? How can any of these women hold there head up and say they did the right thing? The families need to step in and help with the support of these children (including the mother, she is still a child) both financially and emotionally.
And yes it takes 2 to conceive a child so lets not forget about deadbeat dad ( not all cause some do step up and support their kids, even though they can`t get along with mom).
If you can father (term use loosely cause their not fathers) you should be supporting them.
Why should the taxpayers foot the bill for their carelessness.
And then you have the families that are tied to the welfare system thru generations and actually know the system better then the case workers.
Bottom line keep you legs crossed and it in your pants til you can support a family
And those on the welfare gravy wagon should be kicked of after a life time total of 5 years
1111
The families need to provide for the kids and grandkids.
If they want to have kids out of wedlock and can`t support them they need to give them to loving families thru adoption.
Why should the taxpayers be forced to take money away from their families to support other families that have no core values
It`s not the childs fault the parents were irresponsible and had unprotected sex, but they both need to get jobs and support the result of their actions.
There are both deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms.
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So because these kids decided to have unprotected sex the state should support them.
Why should my taxes increase and take a larger portion of my paycheck to support their mistake and deny that money to my family.
I`ve worked as many as 3 jobs to support MY family. these people just want to hold out their hands for a check.
Let them get jobs and stop taking away from my family.
There is no class welfare, It`s just welfare for deadbeats and laziness.
In 40 years I`ve yet to be unemployed, so there is work if you want to work.
u obviously haven’t been in there shoes not everyone whose had help from the state are deadbeats and lazy stop going by the stereotype its supposed to help people who need it also how would u feel if u lost your job and had no way or no one to help u and u couldent find a job rite away?
Send ’em to Ann Romney–she’s loaded with millions of $$$; and all of the hired help (and Cadillacs, with their own elevators) a single mother could ever need or want!
You’re fixated on Ann Romney.
Why?
really….why the fixation on someone who just so happens to be luckier than most of us in this world financially. It wasnt given to her, her family earned it……jealousy isnt becoming…
Where did you hear that? I know someone who went on it 18 years ago and kept having kids and is still on it!!!! That is a myth when you hear that they can only be on it for so long…
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I hear what you are saying. But I am talking about a “Pro” at the system. She works for a month and then quits or gets done for some reason…goes back to full benifits for 6 months, will get a job waitressing and tell the state it costs more in daycare and will get done doing that for 6 months…etc…etc…she has been doing it for 18 years I tell you and she has benifited quite nicely. Especially in the summer time when she works under the table at $25 an hour. Before you ask…yes…I and about 10 other people have reported her and her husband for years and not 1 person from DHS has stepped a foot in to investigate.
Thats only 1 person I know doing this…can you imagine how many others have been playing this game? It is mind boggling.
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Yes, each one of these women made a decission. But equally so the “fathers” made a decission to undo their pants. The fathers need to step up to the plate and do the right thing – support the children they made.
Stop blaming just the mom – because it take two to make the baby! And the guy can easily “put the rain coat on” before he enters!
I am a woman and I agree to a point, but only the woman has total control over if she gets pregnant or not. It is ultamately her call. I am not being onesided, it is the truth… you just can’t trust a guy in the heat of passion to protect YOU!
let he who is without sin cast the first stone…..all of u making the ignorant comments that you have made passing judgement on young women u don’t even know you all need to stop and look at your own lives i think these story’s are great for others to know as its shows that single parenting isent easy and how they are improving there lives for there children!!! everyone has there own faults so stop judging ……
Sure, the New Age mantra: Don’t be judgmental.
It’s not a new age mantra – it’s as old as the Bible. Yet, some of the biggest judges I know, are “Christians.”
It amazes me how stereotypes are so easily passed on from generation to generation. There are many “types” of families and what they consist of shouldn’t matter. What would you do if one of your own children became a single parent for one reason or another? Disown them? Wash your hands of them because it’s a big no no? Kudos to all the single mothers and fathers out there taking it day by day and raising your children!
you go teri u stick up for your self don’t let the people who don’t know your story and what u have been through bring you down! they have no understanding of who u are and how hard u have work yes people she work and dam hard a real job also paying into the state to help other in the same situation she is now finding herself in now so all of u passing judgement yes i said JUDGEMENT on her are wrong its ok to have your own opinion and beliefs but to be so harsh and cruel with your words to someone u don’t even know.
For one thing, I’d do everything in my power to ensure they didn’t rely on the taxpayers to raise their child. I’d want MY child to be a working, self sufficient role model for THEIR child. And I’d do anything to assist in that endeavor…anything.
How about paying for abortions, and funding Title IX (PP) fully, hmmmmmm?
Go after the deadbeat biological “Dad”.
I am curious, why did you decide to have children with no way to support them? On what charge(s) is your ex awaiting trial? Do you plan to have more children?
First, let me answer your question. My children haven’t had children out of wedlock, and it’s very unlikely that they would; they’re too responsible for that. But if they did, I certainly wouldn’t disown them. Instead, I would help support them and that would include financial support in the unlikely event they needed it.
Now I have some questions for you. How long have you been on public assistance and how much do you receive in public assistance each month? Were you receiving public assistance for your first child when you became pregnant with the twins? If so, after having your first child and receiving public assistance for her, why didn’t you wait until you could support yourself and go off public assistance before getting pregnant again? Are the fathers of your children paying any support? If so, how much? If not, why not and what efforts have you made, or plan to make, to collect support from them? Do you feel any obligation to someday pay back the state for the public assistance you have received? If not, why not?
I actually have worked since I was 15. Paid for everything that I needed or wanted. After I had Anjee I took 4 weeks off from work and went right back at it. I was working 40+ hours a week when I got pregnant with the twins. You people really amaze me. I don’t care what you think about me and my choices. Would it really be that hard to show some words of encouragement instead of bashing everything you might not agree with? Well for your sake, I’ll write a letter to the state and tell them I don’t want any of YOUR tax payer dollars that are also being used to support criminals and murderers in prison. Thank you for your support and kind words. I hope one day you’ll be able to open your eyes and see that not everything is what it looks like. I feel sorry for you and your closed mind.
Ann Romney has *never* “worked outside of the home,” Teri Clavet.
She glorifies “motherhood” within the domestic sphere.Perhaps Mitt and Ann Romney would send your some of their millions?’Ya think?
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well i could raise my soon to be daughter without state help…but the state seems to think that they can tell me where i can and can not live with my child. So what am i supposed to do when its the state that tells me that i have to move to a different location, because there are to many “people” in my apartment. and the mother is in jail which, she is not set to be a mom right now considering she was just convicted of breaking our youngest sons leg who was only 9 months old. i was hoping i would be able to move on only to find out she is pregnant again. Apperantly i was not safe enough. i seem to agree with some statements from both sides. But if the state is telling me i have to move then i might have to accept a little help to do that.
Call Mittens and Ann Romney.
They’d loooooooove to assist single mothers!
Need a spare Cadillac or a mansion to reside in?
No problemo–Ann & Mittens have tons of ’em!
Ann Romney thinks that raising children comprises “work.”
The U.S. gubmint does not.
The Romneys disapprove of funding PP, and fuggetabout abortions.
Gasp.
“Sinful.”
Notice a “motherhood” disconnect yet?
</sarcasm
“We get to pay for you–we get to judge you. ”
So, where were you when these mothers needed guidance for finding a “good” husband?
Where were you when these fathers needed instruction on responsibility and fatherhood?
Where were you when their younger selves needed sexual education more complicated than “Don’t do it!” or “MTV will teach them.”?
On your high horse, judging those who you saw as being “less than you”, “not worthy of your time”, or “not respectful enough”, That’s where!
If you’re going to complain about the current generation “Not doing it right” and “Sucking up my tax monies”, make sure you did your best to contribute to their education instead of accusing other of not doing what you could have helped with. (This would include making sure legislation doesn’t cripple basic knowledge of reproduction and contraception.)
You can blame everyone else for the mistakes of the current generation, but only if you first make sure you did everything you could not to cripple them. If you did not contribute then, then surely you will contribute now!
I started by insuring my children, my extended family and even some friend’s children got the concept. That affects quite a few people none of whom have had a child without being married to the father. They also made good choices in husbands.
I have also paid school taxes, income taxes and sales taxes for decades and have never been on unemployment or welfare.
Most of these people understand they shouldn’t have a child with a loser father, that they should further their own education and they shouldn’t start having children without a decent job but instead they just prefer to thumb their nose at convention. They all heard it from parents, teachers, church, magazines, and friends.
I won’t even discuss birth control with you—information is everywhere.
I have no problem with people who through no fault of their own need assistance. I have a big problem with people who want to do it their way but are dependent on people who in many cases struggle themselves to make ends meet.
I happen to know one of the mom’s in the article and she is incredibly hard working and does a fantastic job. She does not deserve the judgmental vitriol on this comment page.
Lets bring up the latest and greatest catch phrase…”War on Women”””
Cant forget that one…
Wow, so many high and mighty people on here. I guess I just feel like I have more pressing matters in my life than worrying how a single parent feeds her children.
The fact is, the government takes money from my paycheck and my business – and will regardless. Trust me, if all of a sudden there were no people on welfare, the government would find a new way to spend those tax dollars. You’re foolish if you think you would all of a sudden be getting to keep that money.
(This is in reply to Ms. Clavet’s comment). I replied to this comment a few hours ago, but my reply was deleted, so let me try it again.
First, please try to read my comments carefully, answer the questions I ask responsively instead of argumentatively (i.e., “You people really amaze me. I don’t care what you think about me and my choices . . . I feel sorry for you and your closed mind.”, etc.). Then bear in mind that the story is about you, and it’s you who came to this thread and asked some questions, which I answered and responded to with some questions of my own. I understand your feelings, even your resentment, and am not unsympathetic with your situation.
This story is about you, and I’m interested in it. So, please have an open mind and answer the questions that I asked.
Right, you’re dammed if you do, and dammed if
you don’t sometimes and that’s not a good feeling, but many Moms
unfortunately have to work because the divorce rate is so high today. I
know many Moms, and they are making good money, and even a full time
income beyond what they would make at a “job”. healthysnackmoms
To the BDN: I posted a comment that was on point and within guidelines, and it was up for at least a day. Judging by the number of “likes” it received, many readers agreed with what I said. But now it’s off the board, marked “flagged for review”. Another of my comments, posted this morning, was simply deleted without trace. Again, it was within guidelines.
What’s up – why are you reviewing and removing these comments?
I feel as though BDN kinda dropped the ball on this one, with everyone whining about taxes paying for dead beat moms and dads (which I DO understand) what about single moms through no chice of there own? My mother raised my sister and I after my dad passed away from cancer she never recieved extra help from the state and even if she had what of it? She worked damn hard to provide my sister and I with everything she could. For those single mothers like her that cant get a job that pays more than minimum wage why should they not be able to get state help? Are we really gonna let those children suffer any more than they already have? Unfortunately the state help seems to be more for people who dont bother doing anything, the people that are really trying and working come up short in the end when they are refused help because they work.
Did any of these young girls ever hear of BIRTH CONTROL??? It was around when I was a teen 30 years ago so I am pretty confident that it still exists…..I am trying my best not to judge here but there something very wrong with 40% of those having children are single mothers who will most likely be on Welfare for the next 18 years like everyone else I know that had a child when they were a teen. What a goal you have set for yourselves ladies…..