When I die, I hope my obituary doesn’t read: She leaves behind her friend. Because that would be a lie.
I hope society allows me more. It breaks my heart when I read veiled connections in obituaries. My mate, for it is my chosen word for her, is much more than a friend, just as a husband is much more than a friend to his wife.
I understand because I live it, day in and day out, for 22 years now, with her.
I half joked with my mate about putting our faces in the anniversary notices. She feared the hate mail, the hate calls, the hate. As I write this, that fear still spins in the pit of our stomachs.
Will I send this to the Bangor Daily News? I almost tear up thinking of the horrible words hurled for decades, the dreadful actions of people who don’t know us. I want readers to know: There are millions of us, but most of us sit back quietly. Who wants to make themselves a target for the misinformed who stand with their feet in solid concrete?
I became a target of hate one night in the 1980s when I left a dance in a grange hall on a country road in Laporte, Colo. It was an open dance for the lesbian and gay community and their supporters. Like any dance, it was pure fun until a friend and I decided to leave. Two friends had already left; we didn’t know they were cowering in the truck that we headed for, down the darkened road.
As we rounded the corner, away from the lights of the hall, a man with a bullwhip and short cut of a 2-by-4 suddenly began to chase us. He slammed the lumber onto every car’s side-view mirror along the road as he ran after us. I saw the shadows of another man and two women watching from the dirt shoulder. I heard their laughter.
We barely made it in, shocked to see our friends hiding on the floorboard. We locked the truck’s door as this violent man pressed his face to the driver’s side glass where he told us what he was going to do to us. We pulled out and barreled down the road, where I got out and ran back into the dance to yell about the man outside. Many men and women ran away.
I never reported the hate crime because there was no law to protect us. He most likely would have had to pay for property damage to the cars. This violent man was misinformed about the lesbian, gay, bixesual and transgender community.
I felt compelled to become a police officer, as I knew I had the mind, street sense, morals and physical fitness. I applied in the early ’80s to the Loveland, Colo. police department, where I aced the written exams and orals. All three interviewing officers congratulated me on being their top candidate. I felt proud and reassured. All that was left was the polygraph test.
I’d have no problem, I thought. I was honest, raised by working parents and a Catholic institution and public schools. I’d worked before, during and after college. I was lean, healthful, personable and attractive, my hair in a full-length braid.
The polygraph started with basic questions, no problem. Then my face flamed up when the man giving me the test asked, “Have you ever been in a homosexual bar?”
I said yes. He didn’t ask another question. He just stared at me. I waited for what seemed a long time, then finally said, “I’m gay.”
He still didn’t say anything but gave me a look that clearly said: You’re not for us. I waited for a word. Nothing. I said, “I guess that’s it then?” He said, “Yes, I guess so.” He unhooked me from the machine.
The moment erased my test scores and potential, but I didn’t cower or turn away from him. I said I’d meet face to face with the lead officer to withdraw my application in person. It was the professional and decent thing to do. Even if they weren’t.
When I went to his office, the man barely looked up from his desk. Back then, this man was misinformed about the gay and lesbian community. I left defeated. I was hoping he’d say who I love made no difference, but he had no words for my defense. He seemed embarrassed I was in the room.
For how many more decades does society get to remain misinformed about the most personal aspect of the LGBT community? If my mate and I want to get married it should be our civil right to do so.
I have been in an immensely committed and caring relationship for nearly 23 years, yet I have no protection under the law. I have no certificate that protects her or myself upon death. Either of us can be dismissed by family, hospitals or lawyers as “just friends without rights.”
Frances Drabick lives in Eastport.
We have come a long way in 22 yrs. and the good lord willing you will be able to marry after Nov., I certainly hope so. It is just wrong that you and your partner are not able to enjoy the same rights as those who do not happen to be gay or lesbian. Hang in there it will happen soon.
To be honest 22 yrs. ago I did not feel this way, I do now and will until the day I die, the LBGT deserve better than what they have had to this point.
Hate is a shameful characteristic. However, hate is also a part of our being flawed and imperfect individuals. Hate, on the other hand, can be controlled, and with a little help from God, can be eliminated from our lives. But, one has to have God’s help. We don’t have enough power.
As far as hate goes, we all have someone that hates us. Every day in these threads hate is directed at gays, Christians, political parties, the wealthy, and so on. No one has the market cornered on hatred. And that’s a fact.
And although you write about a relatively small number of hate incidences, you end your letter touting your 23 years of what you consider a wonderful relationship. I’d dare say that any of us could cite incidences of hatred in our lives if we took into consideration a span of 23 years. It’s part of being a living, breathing resident of this earth. And it’s something that we all need to deal with and get over.
As for SSM, many are against it, myself included, as is 61% of the voters in N. Carolina. But, the vast majority of us that are against SSM have no hatred or loathing for you or your mate. On the contrary, most of us are just trying to preserve the tradition of marriage for one man and one woman. As for the extension of legal rights for same-sex couples, as long as marriage is not intruded upon, I have no problem with that. Either way, the people should decide, not the government or the courts. And, so far, the people have decided against SSM in every state where it came up on the ballot.
I am uncomfortable with “the people” deciding who is and who is not entitled to rights. Barring same sex couples from marrying does absolutely nothing to preserve marriage. And although I disagree with you, thank you for not hating.
But you are okay with some activist judge overturning what “the people”
decided? Or are you then okay with the fed govt dictating what
is marriage?It isn’t a function of the fed govt to determine what constitutes
the definition of marriage. When Bush wanted to amend the Constitution about
defining marriage, which was the correct way and would have been the most
difficult to do, the libbers screamed that the govt had no right to do this.
Even our flipper pres who was against it before he evolved..lol..said it is up
to the individual states, which is made up of “the people” to decide. He even waited
before coming out of the closet to see what the numbers were. He must have heard
the numbers in NC were 50-50 as they were being said but what a surprise when it
was 61% in favor of the amendmant. Even gays who are not sheep see what this
pres is doing…using them. Thankfully not all gays are socialist/libber sheep and
know when they are being exploited for political gain. Like one poster said, she was
elated and the base is energized. What she doesn’t seem to want to realize, quite a few gays
can’t stand Obama and aren’t libbers.
The people have no right to decide who deserves their full civil rights and who doesn’t.
It would be the government’s responsibility to ensure that gays have the same rights as every other American citizen, including the right to marriage, even if 99% of Americans were opposed.
No, it’s hatred. You can call it other things, but it’s hatred.
North Carolina voted to not only ban marriage between gay couples, but civil unions and domestic partnerships as well. The amendment bans any kind of rights or benefits being conferred. That’s hatred.
Voting rights for women would have never passed a ballot initiative. Desegregation would have never passed an initiative.
The thing about civil liberties is that everyone deserves them. It doesn’t matter if you’re the majority or part of a very unpopular minority — you deserve them.
I’m not better than a gay person because I’m straight. That is something so disgusting to suggest. It’s not American.
So that domestic partnerships ban goes for all people including strigh couples ( man an women )
No. Bans any union, benefits, rights, etc. for couples except between man and woman.
Thats not what it says
Yes, it does. “Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union
that shall be valid or recognized in this State.”
Sounds to me like it says you need a marriage to get legal recognition of a domestic union. I read that as banning domestic partnerships for both heterosexual and homosexual couples.
It does. It puts a stranglehold on citizens and employers. It will die in court.
I fail to understand why “the people” feel they should have the right put discrimination against a whole segment of society to a referendum vote period.
Hate trying to be disguised as “love” is beyond sickening. I dare say your postings have turned more people away from Christianity than drawn them to it.
“I’d dare say that any of us could cite incidences of hatred in our lives…”
Has anyone chased you down the road trying to kill you, with others looking on and laughing, because they disapproved of your sexual orientation?
No? Yet you counsel the writer simply to get over it?
No, but they tried to kill me because I was an American. And I got over it.
I’m very pleased that you made a solid recovery from what must have been a horrifying (perhaps wartime?) situation.
You are presumably safe now. Gay individuals and couples are still not safe–they know they may be targets of random or purposeful physical, emotional, or sexual assault at any moment. That is why it can be difficult for them to “get over it” as efficiently as you did.
Denying couples from marrying isn’t doing a thing to damage so-called “traditional marriage”, and no matter how often people lie about this fact, it doesn’t change the reality.
Which is, it has no impact whatsoever on them or their marriages.
So this is really just about you condoning harm to gay people, period.
Your remarks about the violence directed against gay people, the way you dismiss it and trivialize it, and pretend that you’ve ever experienced anything which even remotely approaches it, is such an obvious flagrant lie. Have a little integrity for a change.
I struggle with the issue of same sex marriage. I am a Christian. I know what the Bible says about this subject. Then again, I know many homosexuals, both male and female. I had a close female relative who was a lesbian. The problem, I think, is that marriage has been, for so long, between a man and a woman. It has been the cornerstone of civilized societies; the basis for a stable family. Civil unions/domestic partnerships seem to be the less problematic way to go but they should, in my opinion, give those involved ALL rights & privileges that married couples have. I would also like to say that I do not understand hatred or violence in regard to homosexuality. I don’t know where that comes from in people.
Why is the Bible pulled out every time; not everyone is a Christian? Furthermore, these Bible verses are always quoted out of context and have nothing to do with homosexuality but rather promiscuity.
I understand why you struggle with the question of SSM and religion. What I would ask you to do is think about the following questions:
How will SSM impact my marriage?
Are the laws of the U.S. based on the Bible or civil law?
Will allowing SSM impact how I worship or how I believe?
There are other questions for sure but think about what it would mean for your gay friends if they could enjoy the same love, commitment, etc…that your straight friends do.
We don’t seem to be very civilized these days so maybe it’s time to think about a new cornerstone.
“…
the cornerstone of civilized societies; the basis for a stable family. ”
And yet it has also been the basis for so many disfunctional and violent families. Perhaps not as many as stable families, yet there just the same. It has been the basis for so many unhappy families whose principles can’t bring themselves to divorce. And although the actual percentage changes from year to year, roughly 50% of these “stable families” end in divorce … perhaps not so stable after all.
As for civilized societies …. sadly I’m not so sure we’re really all that civilized.
anyone know where Heath was at the time? or that other jerk?
Frances, you’re as good as me. You deserve every single right I have and take advantage of. I appreciate every thing that the LGBT community has contributed to our great society and it has been much.
I grew up in an era where homsexuals were ridiculed and dispised. Most of them were in the closet for very good reason. Over the years I have evolved into a much more tolerant man. I think that most of the ridicule and hate was based in fear and ignorance.
I realize that my marriage will not be effected in any way if SSM is passed. Even those who are adamantly opposed to SSM due to their religious convictions in learned intolerance won’t be effected as they haven’t passed any laws that stop people from feeling what they feel. There are already laws on the books that deal with hate crimes.
It’s sad that all this anger can be hinged on the word ‘marriage’. To me marriage has been nothing but joy and I would hope that the privilege would be extended to all who would so desire to have that joy.
Freedom and equal rights for all. Religious intolerance is being manipulated by the right to divert our attention away from the major issues facing us.
I feel the same about the gay marriage issue ! Also why did the author lie about sending this article to BDN when it was published about 2 years ago in the same paper ? When I feel that I’m not being lied to I may change my mind but misrepresentation of the facts always will yeild a no vote from me !
I feel we’ve just all been lied to.
I’m just so stunned by these people. They want to claim that stripping others of rights is just a difference of opinion. That somehow saying, no, you don’t deserve to visit your loved one in the hospital god forbid they ever get sick, doesn’t make them a bigot. Guys like Mitt Romney want to refer to attacking a gay classmate with a pair of scissors and cutting his hair off as just a “prank” or “hijinks.”
This disgusts me. Play around with the terminology all you want, but at the end of the day, you aren’t a good person for these things. You aren’t doing what’s right. Live and let live. You get to choose how to live your life and that’s it. It’s fine if you don’t agree with someone else’s choices, but back off. You’re a monster if you think you get to dictate how another person should live.
Well said. Spot on.
The workarounds that might be helpful when you have made a life time committment to anyone without the legal benefits of marriage include, giving power of attorney, and medical power of attorney to your chosen partner. How can you be turned away from a hospital with a valid document like that? Name your partner as the beneficiary in an insurance policy. Own property in Joint tenancy so that the property will devolve to whom you choose should you die and your rights to your home are protected and your partner’s relatives have no say in it. MAKE A WILL, a roadmap to the future that outlines your wishes in a way your prejudiced family cannot manipulate. Lobby your government representatives to make social security benefits something you can assign to the person of your choice to gain from the money you have been forced to set aside. As we’ve seen from Biden’s “getting head of his skis” with his pronouncement that made the president have to declare him self in a way that might lose him the election from neandrathol backlash ( as happened in our halls of congress in the middle of the night with riders to defense bills that disadvantage people with same sex preferences) with Leviticus being argued openly in the House of Representatives, obliged to observe separation of church and state things have changed in many ways but not yet in a legally defensible way. Look at what has happened to birthcontrol and the right to privacy and control over one’s fertility after more than 40 years. Its a republic, if we can keep it.
Love is like finding a diamond on a thousand miles of beach, a friend told me. How do you protect your partner whether you are married or not, regardless of sex? There are some workarounds to consider while everybody ‘evolves’ and you face extinction. Make a will. It is a roadmap to the future for those you leave behind. Write up a medical power of attorney, naming the person you choose to make life and death decisions when you cannot. How can you be turned away from a hospital armed with that? If you invest in property, put it in joint tenancy so that the person you choose cannot be ousted from the home you share, by your prejudiced relatives. Give your partner power of attorney over investments and business matters, you family cannot interfere. Lobby your representatives to allow us to assign our Social Security benefits to go to a person of any age, any sex that we name. Political evolution is going to take some time and is in danger of revocation. See how VP Biden, “getting a little over his skis” forced the president to play his hand, which incited congress to add anti gay legislation riders to defense bills in the middle of the night. Congress argues about Leviticus rather than separating church and state in their deliberations. Churches refuse to pay for family planning long settled in rights for forty years, on moral grounds, but I can’t keep my tax dollars from being used to rain death from the skies by remote control, which is against MY religion. It’s a republic– if we can keep it.