Dear Prudence,
I was married for over three decades, and my husband was never faithful to me. I chose to stay with him for personal reasons, but I still think poorly of those who date and pursue married people. Since his death, I have invested the money my husband left me, and I’ve nurtured it into a small fortune. I planned to leave my three children a portion of my estate, donating the rest to various charities.
But now my youngest daughter has moved in with a married man; he left his wife and his young children to be with her. I know from speaking with her that she feels no responsibility toward the destruction of his marriage; according to her, happy husbands don’t stray.
I love my youngest daughter very much, but her actions anger and disappoint me. I no longer want to leave her anything when I die. I’ve told myself that children shouldn’t live in expectation that their parents will leave them money when they die. But I recognize that I might be blinded by bitterness towards my husband. What is the right thing to do?
— Leave Mistress Daughter Out of My Will?
Dear Leave,
Like father, like daughter. I wonder if she absorbed the lesson from her father that fidelity is for chumps. Since I think personalities are born and made, she and your husband may share the trait of not taking responsibility for their actions. I can understand your dislike for people who get involved with married people, but the transgressor in your marriage was your late husband. And whatever your reasons, you decided to put up with him, instead of end it, for 30 years.
People have affairs and marriages do break up, but your daughter’s attitude is rather chilling. She is an adult, and you don’t want to and can’t dictate how she lives her life. But you can have a blunt conversation with her about how your father’s infidelity darkened yours and say to her it pains you to see her be a party to the end of a marriage. At the least, say that she must extend her sympathy to the children who are in terrible pain and who are going to be spending a lot of time in her home.
Your money is just that — yours. You don’t say you expect to depart any time soon, so you don’t have to make a decision now about how to spread your wealth. Since you have enough for lawyer’s fees, you can also alter your will as often as you see fit. Your daughter’s new relationship might not last and she might reform. It might last and she might be a loving stepmother. Let this play out before you make your last will and testament.
— Prudie
Dear Prudence,
I just finished my first year of law school and have my first legal job. So far everything is difficult — but it should be, it is part of the learning curve. The other day I was doing some filing and I found a handgun in a drawer. I’ve never been exposed to guns before, and I don’t know if it was loaded or not. I am scared of this gun because I use the filing cabinets all the time and I do not want to set it off unintentionally.
Also, tempers run very high in this office and I am afraid that somebody who knows it is there might use it for dangerous purposes. I am lucky to have this job and I need it for the pay and experience. I am hesitant to bring this up to my job-placement office because my boss will absolutely know it was me who brought this up. I am hesitant to ask my boss directly because I do not want to appear weak or difficult. What is your advice?
— Gun at Job
Dear Gun,
You may have discovered that your boss has his own plans for reducing the glut of lawyers. I wonder what kind of law your firm handles — if it’s matrimonial or bankruptcy, let’s hope some sharpshooter at the firm doesn’t have to lunge for the drawer in order to subdue a dispute.
Depending on where your firm is located, there may be laws regarding unsecured weapons. No matter where you are, a loose loaded one in a worksplace is alarming.
I think you should take this to your school administrators. Explain this disturbing discovery, say you don’t know whether the weapon is loaded or not, and frankly given the volatility of the office, you are too uncomfortable to ask your boss about it. As hard hit as the legal profession is, your law school should be concerned that a student could be hit by a flying bullet. Let’s hope they find you another placement.
— Prudie
Dear Prudence,
I’m part of a two-person department at work, and the other woman in this department is very difficult to work with. I’ve already spoken to HR about the main issue, which was how we divide up our work, and they have been supportive and pro-active in helping address this. I’d like your advice on how to handle a part of the problem that I’m not sure HR can help with.
My co-worker is emotionally needy and sometimes makes me really uncomfortable. I think she would like us to be closer than we are. One time, out of nowhere, she told me she loved me. Sometimes she’ll talk in a babyish voice and say how pretty she thinks I am, or how “lovely” I am to work with, or how I have this quality that makes people feel good. She’s straight and married, so I don’t think she’s harboring some kind of secret crush, but I still don’t like this. She is also a nonstop talker, and I’ve gotten good at excusing myself from conversations, but there are still times she talks to me this way and I want to run for the door. Do you have any advice?
— Uncomfortable in the Office
Dear Uncomfortable,
Yes, human resources is supposed to help you when your disturbed co-worker declares her love and starts telling you look “so pwetty, just wike a widdle doll.” Go back and explain the problem has escalated beyond simply work division. Say your co-worker is making you deeply uncomfortable with her inappropriate behavior and personal declarations.
If they don’t do anything but tell her to stop announcing her love, you may need to take this higher up in the company. Also start documenting her behavior. What you describe is intolerable. Given the unemployment rate, how is it that so many nuts retain their jobs?
Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Questions may be edited.
@ uncomfortable — that is sexual harassment, and a violation of state law.
Prudence: I have just made the same decision with regards to family members. My sister made a very expensive choice recently when she thought only of herself and profit when in discussions with me over a family issue. It was so devastating to me that she would put $$ over family that I decided to change my will and disinherit her children. I am going nowhere soon, but I am so adamant that this was the last straw that I did the extreme to help me out mentally. I may choose to add them back in, but for now, my princess of a sister can stop counting on my $$ to help her kids out….
Well thanks Seth for sharing. that will work out fine for you, don’t count on your sister to stop there but the lady who wrote Prudence, in many states you can leave out a child if you want but it won’t matter a child is “Entitled” to a percent of their parents estate.
I have looked this up and could find nothing that says a child is entitled to anything from a deceased parent if there is a will. If you know where or how I can find this information about a child in Maine is entitled to a percentage of an estate ( because I could be wrong but could find nothing to support this if there is a will), I would love to know.
A lady had 3 kids, one wanted everything after not having contact
for years. The mother relied on a cousin for everything cause her
sibs wouldn’t help. 1 child die and the other had learning disabilities.
The mother left what little she had to her cousin . The first child finds
out and takes the cousin to court. After a year or so and a lot of
money to lawyers the cousin was told oh there’s a law if an off spring
Contest the will they can get a percentage. The entire estate was
valued at less than half of lawyer fees. The cousin had to pay. This
happened to a relative
Scintillate, did the lady have a will? Everything I have looked up says a written will trumps everything. Not saying you’re wrong, just trying to learn more on the subject before a similar battle happens in our family like what went on in your family. Appreciate any info. you can share.
Yes she had a will she changed shortly before she passed away.
The child who wanted everything also sent a letter saying
they disowned any kinship, it was used in the court but
the cousin still had to pay. The mother left that child one dollar
It was in Maine . Any child left out or left a dollar can contest a will
Any child who thinks they deserve more than their sibs can too.
Closer to my own family I had a cousin who thought they should
get everything and wasted a lot of the estate on lawyers.
My own parents I said give it before you go it’ll keep the
peace in case someone goes greedy later
Scintillate, thank you for the information. I’m in a similar boat with an adopted sister who will be left the lions share of the family estate and it doesn’t feel right to me. I’m not trying to be greedy but she’s to be left the family house and contents, money and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. I can have my fathers tools and a share of the money but that’s it. The part that saddens me the most (other than feeling like an outcast, though my parents and I are on very good terms) is my sister doesn’t appear to appreciate anything that is done for her. The girl rubs it in my face whenever something comes up about who is to get what. It’s hard and sometimes comes between myself and my parents.
Sorry for the whine, but that is why I have been asking questions and trying to inform myself. To be honest, I wish my parents would spend it all or give everything to a worthy charity. At least then things would be more fair and it wouldn’t constantly gnaw on me. I don’t want to lose what my parents have worked hard for all their lives to lawyers but I believe things should be fair. No matter what I do nothing will feel or be right.
Again, I thank you.
Well on the other hand my pares father says he’s leaving his daughter
out their lawyer says that’s fine but I’ve seen too many battles with
selfish siblings.
You can contest your parents will to even up the division of the estate.
Sorry you may have to deal with tbis. Perhaps you can convince
your parents into turning their house into a business or if the house
is of historical interest that might be good. You can check into
a historical society read old papers etc maybe that would be good.
Iwish you good luck after this closes to comments, you’ll find
me around if the historical aspect can work I can point you in
some directions with that
First response was spot on, exactly what I would have said.
The second… that girl either needs to toughen up and just have a simple discussion with her boss and if it’s hostile than find another job. If you are working for someone who instills fear in you what use is a reference like that on a resume?
The third, she also needs to toughen up. Sometimes in life you need to be a little tough, that woman needs to come right out and tell the other woman what makes her uncomfortable, otherwise the other woman isn’t going to understand that what she is doing is wrong. How do you just let someone put you in that position all the time without saying anything to them? HR isn’t going to do solve it, it’s only going to confuse that messed up woman because it will be the first time for her hearing about it. Speak the truth people!
YOU taught your daughter it was ok by not putting a end to it in your life now your mad she learned from you? Really????
As for your money it is YOURS do with it whatever you want. You have no duty to leave it to your kids.
No, no, no, a thousand times no Prudence. That’s very bad advise to Gun at Job. You should have told her to talk to her boss about it. Now she’ll not only look like a fool and a snitch and someone who can’t fight her own battles, but someone who goes around the boss – instead of talking to him directly -and reports him to the placement office for something that may have a perfectly innocent and reasonable explanation (i.e., the gun is unloaded and kept in the drawer as an exhibit in a case the firm is handling).
Pure crapola.