I am a Jehovah’s Witness. Well, I’m not yet, but I may be soon so I’m trying on the proverbial dress to see if it fits. I don’t actually want to be a Witness, but I can’t seem to convey this to them, and so it really may come to pass that I become one. I’m not the sort of person who would seek to become a member of Jehovah’s Witnesses, or any religious sect for that matter, but I am absolutely the sort of person who would realize while folding clothes on a Tuesday that I had inadvertently done so. That’s how I became a vegetarian, and a subscriber to too many magazines, and heavily in debt to American Express, and – hell – even how I became a mother. These things have a way of sneaking up on me.
It began with a woman named Annie. She rapped on my front door on a day that was blisteringly cold. I knew who she was and what she represented as soon as I spied her slight frame through the glass panes of my door. Even the UPS man, tasked with delivering a valuable package that requires a signature, doesn’t pause on the stoop if the temperature has dipped below freezing. She stood there, bent with chill and with tears springing at the creases of her eyes, and asked me if I ever wondered about the role of Jesus in these uncertain times. The neurons in my brain skipped about, desperately summoning the motor ability to utter a parting phrase and close the door. The cranial pathways of most people allow for this sort of complex coordination, but mine are so littered with outdated laws of etiquette and corroded by bad television that I can’t manifest the desired response.
And so I said, “Sure, I wonder about it.”
With that simple concession, Annie beamed with optimism, much the way I do when someone asks if I’ve lost weight when in fact I’ve eaten nothing but saturated fat for a week. I permitted Annie to read a passage from her book of psalms as the kids ran recklessly behind me, periodically peeping through my legs to see if the figure at our door had transmuted into a character from a Disney film since the last time they had checked. I couldn’t bring myself to shoo her away because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, as mine would be had I mustered the mettle to talk to a stranger about my passion only to be dismissed because they were too busy watching a “Today” show segment about renal biopsy despite having perfectly healthy kidneys.
At one point in her reading she paused to collect herself because the cold had made her voice tremble. I wanted to invite her in since that’s the least you can do for someone who’s willing to throw the dice on you being a part of their selective ascension to the heavens, but I knew that would be the first sentence to the story of how my family came to star in a live Nativity scene in our front yard. I would never have considered allowing a male into my home since I’ve watched enough talk shows to know that always ends with a knife in your back or – worse – the purchase of an appliance. I let Annie remain on the porch, drawing solace from the fact that I wouldn’t have to offer a hot beverage I wasn’t entirely sure how to prepare or that she may not even be allowed to drink, religiously speaking.
So she pointed to passages and met my eyes through the screen with hopeful nods until she concluded with a smile, grateful to have been heard above the din of my home. She mentioned that she would return, and when she does, I should concede my disinclination to join her flock. I’m not sure how to say it because pointed assertions are not my strong suit. My communication will be reduced to a court jesterlike performance, juggling spoons as I try to make her understand how much I love my birthday and how I’d really like a blood transfusion should I ever medically require one. I’ll divulge that my only brush with organized religion let me down because the man who took my childhood confessions is now defrocked and has a mug shot. If I look into her disappointed eyes, I’ll have to assure her their chapter would only suffer having someone like me charged with door-to-door duties. Girl Scout Troop No. 1179, still known as the lowest-selling cookie troop in Arizona history, could confirm as much.
I’ll probably just tell her that I’ve overheard my neighbor fretting over her path to salvation. And that she makes a really good casserole.
Erin Donovan moved with her family to the midcoast where she constantly is told she says the word “scallops” incorrectly. She performs live and produces Web sketches derived from her popular humor blog I’m Gonna Kill Him. Follow her misadventures on http://imgonnakillhim.bangordailynews.com and on Twitter @gonnakillhim.
Most Jehovah’s Witnesses are decent folk who are trapped in an oppressive cult
like organization the Watchtower society.
The Watchtower core dogma is Jesus
‘invisible’ return or second coming October 1914,this is a false
doctrine.
Matthew 7:15-16 “Be on the watch for the false prophets,who come to
you in sheep’s clothing…..”
God bless-Danny Haszard Bangor Maine FMI dannyhaszard(dot)com
Do not join if you are not 100% into it, you’ll get
disfellowshipped at some point if you end up not agreeing with some teaching
down the line. You will then see the non-loving side of the faith. Trust me
when I say it’s not pretty. Do some research on their disciplinary actions and organization rules. They will slowly introduce you to them so you are not scared off at first. Google: 141 Things Jehovah’s Witnesses Can’t Do
Most Jehovah’s Witnesses are sincere in their belief that they are the holders of the only true religion and that they offer you the only way of surviving Armageddon. They believe that all other religions are false, if not outright demon-inspired. They do believe that they’re doing you a favor by converting you, though they also believe that they must convert others if they want to survive Armageddon themselves. Their motives aren’t necessarily selfless, but they don’t mean you any harm either.
Some can be overzealous. But many knock on doors simply because they feel they have no choice. I didn’t like doing it when I was a Witness. But it’s required if you want to remain in good standing at your Kingdom Hall, or if you want to become a Witness in the first place. So if you can let her down easy, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Some will kill you with kindness, as this lady seems to have done here. There’s nothing wrong with letting her down easy so long as she takes the hint. Some will continue stopping by anyway unless you go out of your way to be insulting. If she fits that bill, you may have no choice but to tell you aren’t interested.
Note that the more Witnesses you meet, the harder it will be break it off with them. They will do a little bit of “love bombing” on you at first, but never forget that they will see you as worldly – meaning, you are part of Satan’s system of things and that you pose as much a threat to them as they pose a hope for you (in their minds, at least). Within a year, you’ll be old news. In the meantime, any Witness who meets you will take that as an excuse to drop by – unannounced – whenever they need to pad their service time, or whenever they get back from a convention and are feeling extra zealous.
Witnesses count the number of hours they spend preaching to others and must submit the total figure to their book study conductor. The more hours they have, the more spiritual they are seen to be by their elders. She will probably try to engage you in a conversation and if you don’t tell her to leave, she will probably start to bring friends. So I would not let this get too far if you aren’t interested.
Be wary of getting any deeper than you already are.
It is a process to get to be a Witness. Home bible study, meeting attendance, door-to-door and there is a test to pass. Nobody just falls into being a JW. There is no such thing as “love bombing” which is a term only used by non-witnesses when they try to discourage someone and disparage the belief.
After the elders read your above story, they will probably tell you to opt out of becoming a JW. If you don’t really believe it, they won’t encourage you to join. Both for your own good and that of the congregation. No arm twisting takes place to get new recruits.
Have a good life.
According to people who are cult-experts, love bombing is a standard technique used by cults. Of course, there are degrees of it. But I’m afraid it is very real whether you think JWs do it or not.
Nobody falls into being a JW, but they are often pushed and pulled by the hand. One can “fall” into being harassed by Witnesses who are overzealous, which is what my comment was about.Contrary to popular belief among Witnesses I have known, not all Kingdom Halls are alike. There are some that I would consider moderate. Sadly, they are in the minority and don’t seem to be viewed very highly by the rest. I was expressly advised to avoid them when I had my test before baptism.
Incidentally, the process of becoming a Witness isn’t hindrance to becoming a Witness, really. It just makes getting baptized something that must be earned, and makes it more of an investment for the candidate. In other words, it makes it harder for new recruits to walk away. Especially after they’ve begun making converts themselves.
simplified, the identifying markers of a dangerous cult (not all cults are dangerous) are:
#1–isolation = keeping members away from outside influences, including their non-cult family and friends or any media/informational/educational influences;
#2–insulation = keeping members so “busy” with cult business and philosophy/dogma that they have no time for anything else and all outside media/information services (internet etc)/education (higher education eg college) is considered poisoned and “bad for your spiritual health” so only cult materials are read or watched or listened to, and only cult functions are the approved sources of socializing, replacing non-cult support systems with cult support systems, developing a skewed lens through which everything outside the cult walls are seen as dangerous but everything inside the cult walls is for your own good;
#3–demonization (or “us” versus “them” thinking/paranoia with delusions of grandeur) = the cult is “special” and everyone and everything non-cult is jealous and out to destroy the cult in some cosmic battle of good versus evil with the cult being the only one on the good side. Suspicion is cast on every smile or kind gesture of those who are non-cult. The only acceptable way of human interaction is to convert non-cult members and if that proves impossible then all contact must be cut off with those “unbelievers” or in the case of those who once were in the cult and decide to leave- “apostates”. Everything outside of the cult is in the control of evil (Satan) and their only purpose is to destroy your “spiritual paradise”. Fear becomes the cult members constant companion. Even to the extent of denying their own human nature (sic “sin”), there is fear of the Good (God and his representatives inside the cult) and fear of the Evil (Satan and his world outside of the cult).
“Have a good life.” That’s a little snarky isn’t it? Do you expect her not to? Or perhaps you think that very soon Ms. Donovan and her children and family and loved ones, along with all of the people who are replying in these comments negatively about Jehovah’s Witnesses will be destroyed at Armageddon and their corpses left to rot for the birds to pick out their eyeballs and tongues and left for manure in the streets while only Jehovah’s Witnesses live in a paradise, reclaiming the homes and possessions left by the countless dead non-Jehovah’s Witnesses? Oops–sorry spoiler alert! (I may be wrong, it has been a long time since I was told that bedtime story as child, but I doubt it would be discussed anyway, atleast not standing at the door of such a one who would be killed by Jehovah.)
The scenario Ravyn describes was one of the Society’s teachings at one time. Just so everyone knows, she didn’t invent herself.
I want to be clear about something here. I’m not saying that Jehovah’s Witnesses are bad people. Some do get overzealous in their attempts to convert others, just as other evangelists sometimes do. If I thought all JWs were bad people, I wouldn’t be married to one. They’re not all alike.
But they are part of a culture that has, in my opinion, many problems and that causes a lot of unhappiness for many people. Some Witnesses are right where they want to be, while many others are trapped. Any Witness who leaves runs the risk of being disfellowshipped, and – in most congregations – that means they would be shunned by their own families. Some feel trapped even though they believe in “the truth,” as they call it. Within a couple of years of being converted, I was one of these. I believed it was “the truth,” so I felt compelled to stay and obey the elders. But I was miserable.
My criticisms are aimed more at their culture than at them, except in specific cases of explicitly bad behavior. (I was harassed by my former congregation day and night once I decided I had had enough.)
Not all Kingdom Hall are alike. Not all JWs are alike. But they are a part of a common culture that encourages certain values. The Watchtower Society is the world’s one true hope for salvation and must be protected, non-Witnesses are worldly and under demonic control so they cannot be trusted, making converts is the obligation of all Jehovah’s Witnesses, never miss a meeting, do more for Jehovah, do not rely on your own understanding, etc etc. It’s their culture that I take the most issue with. Their leaders are second, but they are also victims of their own culture. They lead the machine, but they’re also caught up in it themselves.
Ravyn, shhhhhh, she’s supposed to learn that later, Oh yeah and don’t tell her that if she does get baptized and then her children get baptized and one decides to get out but not the other, then there is literature to explain why it’s wrong for the JW still in, to keep contact. Lets not talk about the consequences of that either.
Simply put, before I try on anything, I look for loose threads.
Or you can just look at other people who froze to death wearing them.
“Love bombing” is a proven method that cults use to make people feel warm n’ fuzzy, to help prop up the illusion that they’ve finally found a place that runs on love. Jehovah’s Witnesses could be the poster organization for how to do this right.
Arm twisting isn’t required when you’ve got the psychological tricks down pat. The intention of a JW may be to help you (as in, to save you from yourself and the “world”), but they’re trapped in this cycle themselves. NO one eyes-deep in a cult realizes they are in a cult – they just keep striving, keeping their “eyes on the prize”, unquestioningly following the direction from the leadership, and giving up their time, money, and personal freedom hoping for a panacea to come along and make everything perfect.
Mr. Nicholas, I differ on the approach of the local elders if they read this. The JW way is to view everyone is a potential sheep, even if they don’t know it yet. The only way to be left alone is to join and then leave. Leaving purposely is the ultimate sin, and if you have any friends or family in the organization, you will lose them too – completely – and be told it’s out of love, to get you to return.
From love bombing to the most cruel form of shunning & emotional blackmail in contemporary times. Do yourself and your family a favor – be kind to the JW’s, for they are well insulated from the truth about what they’re doing, but steer well clear of the trap.
Oh yesss. the love bombing!! Well , after your baptized all that slowly goes away and if you aren’t putting in your monthly time and helping the congregation make their quota, studying for the meeting (make sure your Watchtower is well highlighted and sit in the front so every one can see alllll the way to the back). And by all means my dear , don’t get sick or depressed, Oh wait, your cognitive dissonance will do that for you.
Erin, very nice article. Well-written, entertaining, educational. Looking forward to the next one!
I am sorry! I forgot to tell you that it is a great article! very funny and well-written. You have an easy style and are well-suited to humorous editorial! And the subject matter might even be enough to make the JWs stop knocking on your door if they recognize you! (a bonus!)
Ever wonder why if you Google “Jehovah’s Witnesses” you get: ‘About 13,600,000 results (0.27 seconds)’
when only 2 websites are actually approved by them? They will tell you it is because THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION is persecuted by all the false ones. That is the same story the Moonies, the Scientologists, the Mormons (especially their flankers like Warren Jeff’s FLDS), and every other cult has claimed since the beginning of time. They make for a funny article, but there are thousands of broken families and innocent people with destroyed lives who can’t laugh at it because it is too painful.