It is understandable for Maine residents to be shocked by the shooting death of 31-year-old Amy Theriault, which the state medical examiner’s office on Monday labeled a homicide. There are not accurate-enough words to describe the anger and sadness people experience when a loved one, friend or neighbor dies horrifically.
Theriault died of a gunshot wound to the chest and of multiple stab wounds to the chest and neck, according to the office.
Law enforcement officers have continued to search for a man wanted in connection with Theriault’s death. Theriault’s boyfriend, Jesse Marquis, 38, reportedly fled her house on U.S. Route 161 in St. Francis and into the woods just before 6 a.m. Saturday. The Aroostook County Sheriff’s Office received a 911 call earlier, at 5:45 a.m., about a domestic violence incident there.
Many questions remain. We cannot draw conclusions about this specific case.
But community responses to tragic deaths often sound similar. As with the St. Francis case, people may say things like, “I can’t believe [the possible perpetrator] could do something like this,” “things like this don’t happen here” or “so many people trusted [the potential offender].”
In a recent case in California, where a man is accused of drugging and kidnapping a girl, beating her and forcing her to marry him, a neighbor told USA Today, “It’s hard to believe because he … seemed like such a nice guy from what we see.”
It makes sense that people often are surprised. Especially with domestic violence, perpetrators tend to know how to hide abuse. They choose whom to hurt and when. For instance, a husband who blames his wife for his domineering behavior or threatens violence if she doesn’t do what he wants probably doesn’t act the same way toward his boss or friends.
Abuse doesn’t happen because an offender loses control, has an anger problem or has low self-esteem. Alcohol may increase risk, but it doesn’t cause violence; many people drink without abusing the people they are supposed to love. And the percentage of abusers who are mentally ill is not different than the percentage of people with mental illness in the general population.
Offenders make specific choices and learn to mistreat and abuse. They exhibit a pattern of abusive behavior; they don’t just “snap” or “lose it.”
“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him,” writes Lundy Bancroft in his book “ Why Does He Do That?”
The likeability of perpetrators can make it hard not just for people outside the relationship to see what is actually happening but for victims, too. “Other people like him so much, so maybe I am the problem,” they might think. Or, “He doesn’t mean to say hurtful things to me; something must have set him off.”
They likely recognize the compassionate side of the abuser and may wonder whether they can change the manipulative or abusive behavior. They can’t. Only the perpetrator can. It’s not their fault someone commits a crime against them or treats them with complete disrespect.
Maine has a large, complicated task before it, to reduce and end domestic violence. Part of the solution involves understanding the dynamics of abuse, especially how perpetrators might act differently in public than in private. When people think perpetrators are loving and incapable of violence, it makes it harder to hold them accountable before it’s too late.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence and would like to talk with an advocate, call 866-834-4357, TRS 800-787-3224. This free, confidential service is available 24/7 and is accessible from anywhere in Maine.