Q. My husband moved out of the house six months ago, started dating someone hot and heavy and even took her family on vacation.
That is not the worst of it, however. He has also been forcing his girlfriend and her kids on my children who are only 13, 10 and 8. He even drove them to her house — which is in another town — and brought them home in the wee hours of the morning and once he brought them back early so he could be alone with this woman.
My oldest child sees where her father has placed his allegiance and wants nothing to do with the situation because it makes her quite uncomfortable. The middle child has been kept out of it and the youngest one has had no say in the matter. But can’t my children refuse to go on these encounters? Must they let their father drag them to this woman’s house? They called me about it last night and they were crying.
My husband says that he wants this woman to be “a major part of their lives” but I think that it’s too soon for the children to meet his “new family.” I also think that their desires should trump his desires but he cannot — and will not — see that I am right. That has been one of the many issues in our marriage: he always thinks that he is right and that he is No. 1, while I think that he is being selfish and childish and that our children should come first.
Help me, please. I think we will all need therapy.
A. Yes, you do need therapy, all of you, and you need it right now.
The children need it because they’re young, they’re quite self-focused and they tell themselves that Daddy left because of something I did (or didn’t do) or something I said (or didn’t say), not because of something that you did or he did.
It will take therapy — and time — for your children to accept the truth. Children can tolerate a separation or a divorce pretty well if they’re getting away from a parent who is abusive, alcoholic or addicted to drugs, but they get quite upset if lesser problems cause the break-up.
And yet these are the problems that tear most marriages apart. Some couples separate because of infidelity or poverty but first they drift apart because they’re not mature enough to deal with the boredom, the stresses and the heavy demands that afflict every marriage from time to time. The divorce rate went through the roof in the past half-century but not for couples who married when they were 35 or older and were much more mature than they were when they were in their twenties.
Whether a couple’s age or maturity level is high or low however, their relationship totters like a stack of blocks sometimes. And when it does, they either look back at the days when they were single and their world was made of stardust and honey or they look for a good therapist. And so should you and your husband.
If you work as hard as she does, he will see that the children need to be with him — not his girlfriend — during most of their time together and you will start throwing your resentment away. The girlfriend is bound to spend some time with your children so the better you can accept it, the happier you and your children will be.
The therapist will also teach you to say ‘our children’ rather than ‘my children’ and to appreciate your husband a little more. Some fathers love their children so much that they would rather run away then only be with them for a few hours a week but your husband expresses his love in a different way: he includes the children in his new life. Be grateful for small favors.
A therapist isn’t the only solution, however. You and your husband could see a mediator instead, so you could develop the rules you need to live by or, as a last resort, you could go through the courts. The more you escalate your situation, however, the harder it will be for you and your children to get through this difficult passage.
You not only have to walk through the minefield of separation and divorce but your children want you to do it with grace, dignity and humor too. Fortunately, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville” by Amy Dickinson (Hyperion; $14) can show you how to do that. This fine book, written by the guru of advice-giving, should take some of the bleak out of your house.
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com