Just before the holidays, BDN blogger Cliff Singer offered some spot -on advice for making the holiday season less stressful. I believe Singer’s advice can be easily adapted to the whole year.
Face it. Even with the festivities over, too many of us exist on a seemingly endless treadmill of busy, busy, busy. We’d like to spend time with a friend, read a book, or do a myriad of small acts that seem like impossible luxuries. But there isn’t the time.
At the beginning of the holiday season, Singer recommends stepping back and evaluating every item on the to-do list rather than trying to complete each one. Would eliminating or downsizing it ruin the holiday? Does carrying it out put off more meaningful activities? Why do I do it? Singer lists obligation, tradition and free will as the motivations. I would add that our society pushes many “wants” as “needs,” and there’s always the pressure of keeping up with the mythical Jonses.
How about adapting Singer’s questions to year-round life? Would my life be the same if the to-do list were eliminated or downsized? Does it get in the way of something more meaningful? Why am I doing it in the first place?
I think we can look at each item through three lenses: actual time, people, and owned or desired possessions. Whichever one you choose, it’s a good idea to start off by making honest observations: How do I spend my time? Who are the actual and virtual people in my life? What are the big-ticket items I own or aspire to own?
One of my favorite 21st-century expressions is “time suck.” A lot of things most people do are just that — the life experience equivalent of junk food. The Internet is a case in point. It has its virtues when we keep it in perspective. However, we stop breathing or breathe more shallowly when we check our email. Huh? Then there are the time sucks such as good, old-fashioned TV viewing, constant shopping, and those “parties” where the hostess’ intent is to sell Tupperware or Pampered Chef products.
In the people realm, there are two really crucial questions: Am I connecting with the people who matter the most, and how do the people in my life make me feel?
Social media can help us find people who share our interests and keep in touch with people we rarely see. They can also have us spending so much time posting and responding we have no chance for a sit-down chat with a chum.
But when it come to those in-person interactions, some people make your heart sing. Others constantly undermine and criticize you, leaving you feeling smaller and less secure. It can be hard to do, but you deserve the right to ditch toxic “frenemies” (another wonderful 21st-century coinage) who don’t change.
The cost of the things we own and work toward owning goes far beyond the cash or credit we put down and even beyond the additional cost of maintenance. Economics has the elegant concept of opportunity cost. It’s basically what you forgo in order to make a choice.
Years ago a woman who lives in one of the neighborhoods where we tend to assume people have it made — large houses tricked out inside and set behind huge, immaculate lawns with state-of-the-art vehicles inhabiting garages — told me about a dark side to all the conspicuous consumption. It was harder to pull off than I probably imagined. Even in some households with two adults working professional jobs, especially if children had entered the picture, it was a month-to-month struggle to keep up with all the bills. It was often more motivated by fear of sliding living standards than by real enjoyment of the perks. What could the adults be doing if they had to exert less time and energy on living large?
Some of us enjoy and thrive under pressure. Some of us are already asking these questions and letting the answers guide us. Too many of us are pushed into lives devoid of free time by a need to juggle several jobs to put food on the table. If you don’t fall into these groups the exercise I am suggesting might be worthwhile.
Julia Emily Hathaway is a poet, school committee vice chair, and proud mother of three residing in Veazie.