I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is divided into two basic categories: morning people and what I like to call “the others.”
For better or worse, I fall into the latter group. When morning breaks, I don’t just hop out of bed and become a productive member of society. It’s more like a slow crawl to the bathroom followed by a forced march to the coffee pot.
I tried being a morning person once — only to turn over and go right back to sleep. The die was cast. I never would be the early bird who caught the worm.
Morning people generally are goal-oriented. They have Post-it notes all over the house. “Eat more fiber.” “Rotate tires.” “Zumba at 5:15.” They complete half their daily tasks before I even open my eyes. And they never fail to remind me of this — over and over. It’s hurtful. Please stop.
So, are you a morning person or one of the others? If you’re not sure, I’ve sketched out several group profiles to help better identify yourself.
Do you start your day with half a grapefruit, 100 percent whole-grain cereal, ground roast decaffeinated coffee and the Wall Street Journal to check the latest interest rates on 30-year treasury bonds? These are telltale signs of a morning person.
However, if you start your day with cold pizza, a snickers bar, a can of Red Bull, reruns of “The Big Bang Theory” and are wondering where all your clean clothes are, there’s a good chance that you’re one of the others.
If your idea of a night on the town is having a glass of wine or the latest microbrew with dinner and getting home by 9:30 for a decent bedtime, you probably are a morning person. However, if you start your night out with the words, “Bartender, whiskey — and leave the bottle!” you likely are one of the others.
If you drive a Volvo station wagon with side-impact air bags, a child safety seat and have a bumper sticker that reads, “I’m proud of my middle school honor student,” odds are you’re a morning person.
However, if you drive a beat up 1985 Buick with bald tires, an ashtray full of cigarette butts and have a bumper sticker that reads, “My kid just beat up your honor student,” you’re a card-carrying member of the others. Your name is on a list in Washington, D.C. Be prepared to testify before a Senate subcommittee.
Does the inside of your refrigerator look like a well-manicured lawn? Are all the food groups well represented and on their proper shelves? Do you regularly check for expiration dates? Can you easily locate items in your freezer? The smart money says you’re a morning person.
On the other hand, if you open the refrigerator door and see nothing but half-eaten Chinese food containers, discolored vegetables sprouting arms and legs and a quart of milk that expired during the Reagan administration — well, it may be time for an intervention.
So, that’s it. By now you should know which category you fall into. To all the others like me, who feel a bit unworthy, take heart. There’s a growing pool of scientific evidence to suggest morning people actually are alien beings, sent here from another galaxy to colonize the earth and reverse the natural order of our planet.
The evidence further suggests these interstellar busy-bodies are homesick and are about to return to their galaxy, “Alpha Smarty Pants.” Earthlings once again will sleep in and joyfully arise to “Good Morning America,” airing at its rightful time slot: noon.
Eddie Adelman is a writer who lives in Belfast.