There are three kinds of destructive habits that rob people of their mental strength, said a psychotherapist and Maine native at the Maine Women’s Addiction Services Council annual Celebration of Women in Recovery at Husson University’s Gracie Theatre Thursday night.
Amy Morin, author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” outlined behaviors that can keep us from our best selves, and how to surmount them.
Morin, who grew up in Dexter, lost her mother at age 23, her husband at age 26, and, four years later, her new husband’s father. That’s when she sat down to write a list of 13 mentally strong things people don’t do, knowing she would need it. She published the list to her blog, and, to her surprise, millions read it.
The list is built on the premise that mental strength is like physical strength: You have to work at it. Here are beliefs about ourselves, others and the world that we can overcome with practice:
Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
— We feel sorry for ourselves and exaggerate our misfortune. Self-pity can keep us stuck in a place of pain. It’s up to us to make the choice to focus on solutions.
— We dwell on the past, perhaps not forgiving someone who hurt us or ourselves for a mistake we made. It’s OK to think about the past. But we have to make peace with it. Otherwise it will keep us from enjoying the present and making the future as good as it can be.
— We make the same mistakes over and over. We say we’re not going to have any ice cream, but then a bad day sends us straight to the freezer. Then the guilt creeps in. But everyone makes the same mistake twice. The trick is to learn from those mistakes, not feel sorry for ourselves, and look for a new way to achieve our goals.
— We give up after the first failure, thinking, why take the risk if we’re only going to fail again? It’s normal to be sad and angry when we don’t succeed, but failure shows we’re pushing ourselves to our limits, and it can help teach us what to do next time.
— We’re afraid of being alone. In fact, one study found some people would rather submit to an electric shock than spend 15 minutes alone. But it’s OK — and healthy — to spend time with our thoughts, reflecting on our progress and goals.
— We worry about things we can’t control. There’s nothing we can do if the airport loses our luggage, so why spend mental energy worrying about it? We can be more productive by focusing on things we can control.
Unhealthy beliefs about others
— We give up our power by blaming others for our problems. When we say our bosses or our mother-in-laws drive us crazy, we are in fact letting them drive us crazy. We have control over how we respond and need to take responsibility for how we think and behave.
— We worry about what other people think. Even though we can’t control how others feel, we waste time and energy trying to please them. It may be difficult to do things that other people don’t like, but the goal should be to live authentically and according to our values.
— We resent or are envious of other people’s success. But their success has nothing to do with our own, and letting their achievements get in the way of our own only harms us.
Unhealthy beliefs about the world
— We’re afraid of change and might question why we should do anything different when there’s no guarantee it will make things better. But if we learn to recognize when we avoid doing something simply because we don’t like the change, it can help us move forward.
— We don’t take calculated risks. We often equate the level of risk with our level of fear, but that’s not a good gauge of risk. For instance, public speaking might be extraordinarily scary, but the risk of something bad happening is low. We can be aware of how our fear affects our ability to take good risks, and then get up behind that microphone.
— We think we deserve success. But in fact we’re not entitled to anything, and waiting for the world to give us what we want won’t work. It’s important to remember and be grateful for what we do have, and take responsibility for meeting our goals.
— We anticipate immediate results. In fact, self-growth takes a long time — and practice. If we think we can change our behavior quickly, we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment.
