Senior Beat
by Carol Higgins Taylor
Special to the Weekly
I was asked about being a caregiver for my soon-to-be 88-year-old mother. What duties do I perform for her, etc.? The truth is, I don’t do much. I do some cleaning and laundry. But Margie is pretty self-sufficient. It’s the subtle changes and the emotional caregiving that rarely get talked about.
It’s the nagging worry, really. Is she OK? If she cannot be reached at a time when she should be available, my first thought now is that something terrible has happened.
When did, “Gee, Mom must not be home,” shift to, “Oh God, she’s hurt on the floor and can’t reach her phone.” Over the top? Maybe, but it’s a very real phenomenon.
And it seems to happen gradually. At some point you realize you are worrying more than you ever did. You catch sight of your mother out of the corner of your eye and she seems frail. When did she start coming to you for advice instead of vice-versa? Not that she takes the advice, but that’s another story.
No one wants to think about being thrust into the role of caregiver but it can happen to anyone. While caring for an aging parent or spouse can be rewarding, it also can challenging at times.
The term “caregiver” is defined as anyone who provides free assistance to an older adult, be it transportation, grocery shopping, preparing meals, yard work, house cleaning, bathing, dressing, or helping with bill paying — anything the older person can no longer do independently.
These tasks may not seem like much, especially on an occasional basis, but over time the stress can add up and performing these chores can make you feel stretched pretty thin. For example, do you ever sit at work and start wondering if your mother has taken the right medication or if dad has eaten a healthy lunch? Do you find yourself cuing your spouse and leaving reminders everywhere?
There is also the emotional component. Seeing an aging or ill parent or spouse become increasingly dependent may give way to fear, anger and subsequent guilt.
For people who have children and jobs that require large amounts of time, including care-giving duties in the mix can be a recipe for burnout.
But there are things you can do. First and foremost, make some time for yourself. Now that may sound like just one more thing to try to and fit in an already bursting schedule, but it is vitally important.
Try to relax and take it one day at a time. Worrying serves no purpose and only gets in the way. As a life-long worrier, I know from where I speak. Have lunch with a friend, maybe one who also worries too much about a parent. There is comfort in that. Take a long walk somewhere pretty and quiet to calm you. Plus, the exercise will improve your stress levels. Curl up and read that book you have been putting off. These mini-breaks can make all the difference and makes life’s obligations easier to handle.
Other stress reducers include making a list of things that need to be done so if someone offers to help, you’ll be ready. Maybe the parent’s neighbor can change an out-of-reach light bulb, or possibly make a quick run to the grocery store.
Make your plans for caregiving now, and then think about how to incorporate this plan into your life. Who can you count on, what needs take priority and so on. And remember to pace yourself, because you may be in for the long haul.
But you don’t have to make this journey alone. Eastern Area Agency on Aging’s Family Caregiver Support program can help. EAAA has specialists who work hard to help individuals and families who find themselves in a caregiver role. From making referrals to advocacy to a phone call “just to check in,” these specialists tailor the program to suit the individual need.
For information on caregiving, go to eaaa.org.
Carol Higgins Taylor is an advocate for seniors and owns Bryant Street Public Relations in Bangor. Email her at seniorbeat@gmail.com.