I’m just gonna come out and say it. “I hate cellphones.” And I’ll tell you why.
But first, a disclaimer: I’m an absolute idiot when it comes to gadgets in general. I never learned how to program my VCR. Electric toothbrushes frighten me. And the top row of my computer keyboard is a total mystery to me. (e.g. F1, F2) I’ve never even touched it for fear that one of the keys connects directly to a missile silo in South Dakota.
And to be honest? I’ve never been what you’d call a “phone person.” It’s been scientifically proven that I couldn’t mate with a phone person and produce a fertile offspring.
I’ve had a cellphone for about 12 years, but I never really use it. It just sits on my dining room table hooked up to the charger. The only time I take it out is when I’m traveling for use in an emergency. The idea of me sitting in a coffee shop, an airport terminal or on a park bench and just talking for pleasure is inconceivable.
But for many, cellphones are a rootin-tootin way of life. And like the Wild West, civility is optional. “Manners? We don’t need no stinking manners.”
It’s too bad that Emily Post isn’t around today. She’d have a field day with cellphone manners. Forget about using the right fork or slurping your food. How about turning off the damn phone at dinner, and actually talking to the person next to you?
Or imagine this: You’re sitting in a coffee shop, having a wonderful conversation with a friend when her cellphone rings. Now this is the moment of truth, isn’t it? What happens next indicates just how important you really are. All too often, the person will look at the caller ID and say, “I’m sorry. I have to take this.” Really? No you don’t.
And worst of all, you have no idea how long the call will last. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times when I wanted to reach across the table, rip the phone out my friend’s hand, hurl it against the far wall, and calmly say, “Now where were we?”
Needless to say, when purchasing a cellphone, I always go for the stripped down models. If it makes and receives calls, I’m happy. It probably does other stuff — but I just don’t get the attraction.
Texting, for example. Don’t get me started. I’ve watched people at my gym use the elliptical machine for an hour, and do nothing but text. Now, I’m all for multi-tasking — but what exactly is that second task? Weighing in on Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend? Or Tom Brady’s character? Or why soy protein is, like, way more chill than whey protein? LOL.
Selfies? Don’t get me started. It’s been well-documented that just before Rome fell, its noble citizens were obsessed with selfies. Posing with gladiators at the Coliseum was all the rage, as well as mugging with Roman soldiers in their chariots. But a selfie with a Roman God? Now that was guaranteed to go viral. “Hey Apollo, can you come down here for a moment? My son would like a selfie with you. He’s a big fan.”
Cellphone videos? Don’t get me started. It’s more likely that someone will take a video of a crime in progress than call 911. The first call is usually to CNN.
Apps? I wouldn’t know an app if it bit me on the app. But I’ll bet there’s an app for that.
The good news for me is that if I wait long enough cellphones will become a thing of the past. It’s only a matter of time before microchips are implanted in our brains so that we can communicate merely by closing our eyes.
Then just imagine this: You’re having a lovely conversation with a friend in a futuristic coffee shop. Suddenly, she closes her eyes, puts her fingers up to her temples and says, “Sorry, I have to take this.”
Don’t get me started.
Eddie Adelman is a writer who lives in Belfast.