In my teen years, those of us who rebelled against those “isms” (racism, sexism) that we saw as fostering prejudice ironically perpetrated one of our own. We didn’t trust anyone over 30.
We are now well beyond that landmark and living in a world in which ageism is even more entrenched and mainstream rather than the domain of rebellious kids who saw parents and other authority figures as allied with the hated military industrial complex. According to Karl Pillemer, author of “ 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans,” although over one-third of people under 30 communicate with someone over 65, this number shrinks to 5 percent when you exclude relatives. He predicts that we are on our way to becoming the most age-segregated society ever.
This surely resonates with my experiences.
It’s probably easiest to see how our older citizens are affected. In today’s geographically mobile society, kids and grandkids (if there are any) can be hundreds or thousands of miles away. Suburban sprawl and zoning laws that separate residential and commercial districts can make even simple matters such as shopping require a vehicle. So what happens when a senior citizen makes the difficult decision (or has it made by family) to surrender the car keys? He or she may end up isolated and lonely or placed in a nursing home by next of kin even if he or she is relatively healthy.
Younger people also lose from this generational segregation. There is not the access to the wisdom of those ahead in life who have been there, done that. Pillemer agrees that octogenarians may not be the go-to folks for mastering the latest technological innovations. However, he insists, folks who have been through the Great Depression can help us cope with the recessions of our time, and the experiences of couples separated by World War II are very relevant when so many families are split up by calls of duty.
When I was a young mother with my own mother a thousand miles away, I relied on Mimi Perry, a treasured friend. She was wise and patient and never too busy or tired for a parenting crisis. Perhaps even more than her very useful suggestions was her confidence that I was a good mom who was not scarring my children for life through inevitable mistakes. How many people today have someone like Mimi Perry?
When generations are separated, misconceptions flourish. Depending on which generation you belong to, you may have some fixed ideas about boomers or millennials, the kinds of stereotypes that tend to flourish without the up-close-and-personal, eye-opening experiences that plant the seeds of doubt. In this regard, younger and in-between adults may suffer more with our almost paralyzing fears of growing old.
People use stereotypes in ways that are not in anyone’s best interests. Big business fattening the bottom line by playing on fears to sell expensive and generally useless products is the most exploitive example. Politicians play generations against each other as combatants for extremely limited resources. Can we say divide and conquer?
I have radical short- and long-term strategies for reintegration. The first is to support and visit the public spaces that are age-integrated. Places of worship are one choice, but not the only one. Two I am familiar with are the Orono Community Garden and Orono Arts Cafe. Every summer, folks with all levels of experience from newbie to master gardener meet regularly to grow veggies and deliver them to low-income seniors. Weekly deliveries sow seeds for beautiful friendships. At Arts Cafe, folks from middle school on to middle age and vintage perform for one another, sharing a love of music and the written word.
Over the long term we need to think of the kinds of communities where we would like not only to see our parents but to age in place ourselves:
— Break down the commercial and residential zoning restrictions. As folks in Europe know, communities in which people can walk to destinations are viable and humanizing alternatives.
— Encourage people to be interdependent rather than stereotype them as independent or dependent.
— Change the features that discourage getting out and about and visiting. Bring back sidewalks and porches.
We can do this. In fact, we are only limited by our imaginations and courage or lack thereof.
Julia Emily Hathaway is the vice chair of the Veazie School Committee, a poet and a proud mother of three.