The ads have been everywhere in the weeks leading up to Father’s Day. Shaving accessories. Expensive whiskey. Diamond pinky rings. Novelty keychains. Deluxe underpants. Wristwatches. And, yes, neckties.
Seriously? Do our dads want this stuff?
No, said Cliff Singer, a geriatric psychiatrist based in Bangor. Singer, 62, has two daughters, ages 6 and 32, as well as a 23-year-old stepdaughter and an 18-year-old stepson.
He said most fathers deeply value their parental roles, work hard to support their families financially and want, more than anything, to feel they’ve raised healthy, happy, responsible children to maturity. They welcome recognition, respect and affection on Father’s Day, and throughout the year.
“But we don’t want presents,” he said firmly. “Although we do appreciate the sentiment.”
Rather than searching for a material expression of that sentiment, Singer suggests adult children find meaningful ways to spend time with their dads on Father’s Day, or connect personally in other ways. And they should keep it simple: a low-key family cookout, a trip to a nearby museum, breakfast at a favorite diner, even just a quick drop-in visit or a phone call.
“I know that on Father’s Day I’ll get some phone calls and a card, and if we all lived closer there would be some kind of get-together,” Singer said.
And, for him, that would be exactly right.
“There may be a man out there somewhere who wants a pinky ring for Father’s Day,” Singer said. “But if there is, I don’t know him.”
Rooted in sentiment and sales
As most of us know, or at least suspect, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day both generate a lot of economic activity. That’s not a bad thing. But even a cursory Googling of the histories of these two holidays turns up some important differences.
Mother’s Day grew out of a daughter’s recognition of the tremendous personal sacrifices made by her mother and other mothers during the Civil War. It was first celebrated in 1908, in West Virginia. In 1911, it was observed in all 46 states, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson declared it a national holiday. Though it has become one of the top sales days for retailers and restaurants, its roots are deep in a groundswell of post-war sentiment.
Father’s Day, while inspired by Mother’s Day, didn’t get off the ground until the late 1930s. That’s when founder Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington, started promoting her home-grown, local observance at the national level — with backing from the New York Associated Men’s Wear Retailers.
Even so, the idea didn’t really gain popular acceptance or official status for decades. Consumers resisted the evident marketing behind the observance, and newspaper editorials and cartoons often poked fun at the commercialized celebration. Efforts to have Congress declare it a national holiday were repeatedly shot down because of its growing and transparent materialism.
In 1957, though, Maine’s own Sen. Margaret Chase Smith faulted Congress for its inaction, for ignoring fathers while venerating mothers. At last, in 1966, President Lyndon Johnson issued a proclamation designating the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day. But it wasn’t until 1972 that President Richard Nixon signed a law making it a permanent national holiday.
Honor change and individuality
In some ways, the delayed federal designation of Father’s Day, along with the predictable lineup of “manly” gift options that retailers tout, reflects a larger, often dismissive, societal attitude, according to Len Kaye, director of the University of Maine Center on Aging.
“Men get lost in the shuffle,” Kaye said.
Not just in terms of holiday recognitions and material gift-giving, but in society’s stereotypic expectations, which frequently assume men are less nurturing, domestic and social than women.
“Men aren’t just big, bruising, macho tough-guys,” Kaye said. “More than 40 percent of caregivers in this country are men — husbands, sons, nephews and grandsons — caring for a family member. It’s important that we honor them and allow them to do it. But when men take that step and perform functions more typical to women, they almost get made fun of.”
While he declined to suggest specific gift ideas, when it comes to honoring Father’s Day, Kaye said family members should consider ways to support men’s continued growth and maturity, thinking beyond the trite offerings of the retailers.
“The fact is that, like women, men discover unknown talents and interests as they age,” Kaye said. “They get more comfortable in their own skin. It can really be a time of transformation.”
Tap into the power of memory
For fathers or grandfathers living with memory loss or dementia, and the families who love them, Father’s Day can be a special challenge.
Again, psychiatrist Singer said, keep it simple — but don’t assume your efforts don’t have an impact.
“Even people with advanced dementia can absorb the emotional feel of a room, and it can carry over for hours or days,” he said.
Try listening to popular tunes from your dad’s young-adult years, looking through photo albums, retelling old stories and serving traditional foods with distinctive flavors and aromas — rhubarb pie or buttered parsnips, for example. These activities can trigger fading memories and associations. Your dad may even be able to recall a lost family story or identify a stranger in the photo album.
“This could be a last chance to retrieve that information,” Singer said. “And that is time well spent. ”
So, get a little creative this Father’s Day. If he really needs a new food processor, trolling rig or reciprocating saw, by all means buy him one. If his house and yard could use a little maintenance, git ’er done. If he has a new hobby or interest, sign him up for a class or workshop — better yet, sign yourself up, too. If he’s manning up to the manly art of caregiving and homemaking, celebrate and support that change.
But be sure that what he really values most, as trite as it may sound, is the time he spends with you and the assurance of your loving support going forward.
