Because I am so very close to perfect, my jealous friends pick up on any minor flaw and blow it all out of proportion … like Hillary Clinton’s emails. All right, I do have some chinks in my mighty armor, like a terrible weakness for knives. And flashlights. And lanterns.
Since I was an obnoxious child playing mumbly peg in the dirt on Perham Street in the West Roxbury neighborhood of Boston, I have always had a knife nearby. When I awoke on the Allagash River at the Finley Bogan campsite and was the only camper unarmed, I vowed to keep a knife in my room, in every suitcase and duffle, in every dry bag and backpack. You never know when you might have to take down a grizzly bear. I must have seven or eight carefully sharpened implements.
You can never have enough flashlights. I was shocked when I did not have personal illumination in my vehicle last week and jumped on Amazon for a 900 lumen replacement. All right, I bought two. They were only $8. I bet I have a dozen. Plus at least six heavy duty lanterns. You never know when Donald Trump might bring the Apocalypse upon us.
I am now off the hook as the most compulsive, obsessive shopper I know.
Von Miller is a fascinating character, a poultry management major and “geek” from Texas who might just kill your quarterback. You might remember him as this past Super Bowl’s MVP. The Denver Broncos (ptui) just gave him more than $114.5 million to play for the next few years. A hundred fourteen mill.
So Von (we are very close) can buy any damn thing he wants. What he wants is eyeglasses and $1,000 sneakers. You may not believe it, but Von has more than 100 pairs of glasses and 800 (that’s right) pairs of sneakers.
The poultry major also admitted to owning 60 chickens, one named Peyton Manning. (I can’t get away from that guy.)
He had to have them, much like my dozen $8 flashlights.
Von was once nearly normal, playing with contact lenses during the very violent game of football. Not good enough, said pass-rushing teammate Demarcus Ware.
Now, Von has so many frames that he figures he could wear a different one every day of the football season.
It’s not just about fashion, either, he’s nearsighted and those are prescription glasses.
“No, it’s not costume. You see some of these guys without glasses trying to portray certain images. This is me. I’ve been a geek my whole entire life,” he told Esquire Magazine.
“I don’t want to think it’s over the top,” he said. “You know, I wear glasses every single day, and I’ve got all types of outfits that I would like to get my glasses to match with. So I would like to think that my glasses aren’t over the top … maybe my shoes are. Maybe I’m a little outrageous when it comes to my shoes.”
A little outrageous.
You are a lout if you aren’t cool enough to know about these sneakers. You have never heard of Christian Louboutin sneaks, have you? You think you are a big deal when you go to Reny’s and blow $50 on a pair of New Balance sneaks. You even save the box for a while so everyone notices.
Well, “Loubs,” or “CLs,” are the thing to get, if you have some room on your home equity loan. Let’s try a pair of Rush Spikes — only $560 preowned. You have the Bip Bip high tops for $889. The Gondolier model will hurt you for $945. The Glitter high tops (I need those!) are $945, but the Boat Candy shoes (for those kayak trips on Lake Megunticook) cost $1,345.
He has 800 pairs. A little outrageous. I will no longer feel any guilt for my next knife, flashlight or lantern purchase.
I love this guy, at least until the Broncos play the Patriots.
Emmet Meara lives in Camden in blissful retirement after working as a reporter for the Bangor Daily News in Rockland for 30 years.