Last year I shared with you some of my favorite lies that people tell you at the lake — particularly Maine lakes — during the summer (I’ll define “summer” below). These were lies like “It’s not that cold,” “It’s not that far,” “It’s not the high,” and “It’s not that fast,” and I still stand by all of them. No one lies quite like the person trying to get you to jump into a lake that will never get above 70-degrees in your lifetime.
But there are other lies people tell, and I would be remiss not to warn you about them now.
Black flies aren’t that bad.
I can’t believe I forgot this one last summer, but, in my defense, I wrote the previous column in August. Black flies take over Maine in May, June, and, sometimes, if we really need to be punished, July. By August, they are a distant memory, even if the scars from their bites are still fading. It’s kind of like having a baby: in the moment, you say you’ll never do this again. (i.e.: “I’ll never go to the lake in May again.”) But a few months later, all the horrors and sleepless nights are forgotten and you contemplate a third child (i.e.: “It’s May! Let’s go to the lake early and go for a hike in the woods!”). That’s when the black flies strap you on their back and carry you away.
Black flies are deceptively small bugs, about 5-15mm according to Purdue University. But their bites can deform a small child’s whole ear. When my son got a black fly bite on his left ear, the entire thing swelled and protruded perpendicular from his head. Black fly bites can also make lymph nodes enlarge, and, in the worst case scenario, cause fever.
So, basically, they can ruin your whole day, or the month of June.
But people at the lake will tell you the black flies “aren’t that bad,” usually while they are wearing a netted bag over their head.
The black flies are always bad.
The weather will be great.
Be especially wary of this type of promise if they tack on “all day” to the end of it. There is no such thing as “all day” weather on Maine lakes. Morning is often calm, with the water appearing like glass. By midday it gets choppy and wind rustles through the leaves. But afternoon is anyone’s (even the weatherman’s) guess.
Don’t believe anyone who tells you that you don’t need a sweatshirt, raincoat, sun visor, and, yes, a black fly head net, if you are paddling to any islands in the middle of a lake.
The wind will be at our back.
This is the worst. Anyone who wants you to go in a kayak or canoe will tell you that the wind will be at your back pushing you the whole way. But this is Maine, and the wind never blows in the same direction for more than 5 minutes.
Often, people will tell you this lie as you are currently in the kayak fighting against a forceful wind that wants to blow you back to shore. “Don’t worry, the wind will be at our backs when we are headed back,” they will yell over their shoulder as they move through the water like an Olympian and you have cold Maine water spraying in your face. But the wind will never be at your back. In 8 years of kayaking in Maine lakes, the wind has not once been at my back. It blows against you on the way out, and it blows against you on the way in.
One good thing: when your buddy tells you this as he cuts through the driving wind, just yell “LIES!” He will never hear it.
Summer is from June to September.
Hahaha. Summer is July.
There’s nothing in this water that will hurt you.
Except for the giant snapping turtles, leeches and dock spiders as big as your head. But at least the water is so clear that you will see these things coming.
On the other hand, I’ve watched the viral video of the water moccasin on the bay in my hometown of Tidewater Virginia, and that is truly horrifying. (Next time in “Lies People Tell You”: There are no snakes in Maine.) In Florida we also dealt with alligators and spiders that could kill you. So it’s true that there is nothing in Maine lakes that will send you to the hospital. But those spiders will certainly haunt you in your dreams.
Enjoy the summer, folks, and next time you’re at the lake, keep your friends honest by remembering these lies and planning accordingly.