Here is the latest self-awareness epiphany from Rusty Metal Farm: Turns out, despite a lifetime of believing the contrary, yours truly is not a morning person.
Shocking, right?
What I am — to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite mugs — is “instant person, just add coffee.”
Coffee — or more specifically caffeine — addiction, according to an article in Smithsonian online, is a real thing with solid chemistry behind it. According to the article, caffeine is quickly absorbed through the small intestine and dissolves into the bloodstream on its way to the brain. Once there, its chemical structure closely mirrors a molecule naturally present in the brain called adenosine. It’s adenosine that lets us know we are tired. But when caffeine sneaks in masquerading as adenosine, it muscles out that natural chemical and generates a sense of alertness and energy for a few hours.
In addition, some of our brain’s own, natural stimulants work better when adenosine is blocked and floating around with nothing to do other than telling our adrenal glands to secrete adrenaline, another stimulant. Thus, according to the science, caffeine is not really a stimulant on its own. It is instead a “stimulant enabler.”
Whatever. All I know is without that morning jolt of dark, black coffee, I’m like that blocked molecule of adenosine aimlessly floating looking for a purpose in life.
Certainly, part of my own addiction is all about the ceremony of making coffee in the morning, something I take very, very seriously.
Freshly ground whole beans combine with sweet, clear North Perley Brook water that flows up from the earth below Rusty Metal Farm to brew in a simple stove-top Italian coffee maker and infuse the house with a delectable aroma.
There is really nothing like it. Or like that first sip with which I am rewarded after all the Rusty Metal critters are fed, watered and otherwise tended.
And if I am thwarted from that cup of java?
It’s happened and it’s not pretty.
Years ago my late husband and I went camping at Big Bend National Park with our dear friends Bob and Sharon who had just retired to Texas.
And by “camping,” I mean “relocating” as we were in their rather nice RV motor home.
That first morning in the park we were sitting around the breakfast table when Sharon uttered the immortal and dreaded words, “Bob, did you pack the coffee?” Adding insult to injury, our neighbors at the campsite, when learning of our coffee crisis, popped over with a freshly brewed pot with a cheerful, “We have coffee — it’s decaf, is that okay?”
While appreciated, it most certainly was not okay.
Several hours later, following a hike down into some gorgeous canyons, you have never seen three more grumpy, snarly, foggy people as Bob, Sharon and myself.
Only Patrick, who never drank caffeine, was unscathed and annoyingly cheerful.
Knowing we could not face another day of deprivation, we went in search of the only store within the park and paid way too much money for a can of really bad coffee.
Then there was the time I took my dad to an early morning day-surgery appointment and there was no time for coffee before leaving the house. Checking my dad in at the hospital the nurse was asking me what I could tell were some very important questions.
If only I could have understood her.
After a few moments when it became obvious her words were landing on my ears like jibber-jabber, the nurse reached into her desk, pulled out a coupon for the hospital’s cafeteria, handed it to me and told to come back only after I used it to get a cup of coffee.
More recently I was traveling and had made a date to meet a friend for breakfast.
Knowing the restaurant would have good coffee, I opted to bypass the less-than-stellar brew at the hotel before heading out.
Big mistake.
On the way to breakfast I accidentally ran a red light because I never even saw it, merged onto the freeway in a manner that can only be described as “distracted” and then narrowly avoided putting diesel fuel into my gas-engine car.
Like I said, it’s just not pretty.
Again, I do have science backing me up. In 2013 the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for the first time included caffeine withdrawal as a mental disorder. Withdrawal symptoms include irritability, a throbbing headache, difficulty in concentration, muscle pain and nausea. On the bright side, those symptoms are relatively short lived — breaking the caffeine addiction takes going cold turkey for just seven to 12 days.
Easy-peasy, right?
Yeah, just after you have pried my mug of steaming, black, strong coffee from my over-caffeinated, jittery fingers.
Julia Bayly of Fort Kent is an award-winning writer and photographer, who writes part time for Bangor Daily News. Her column appears here every other Friday. She can be reached by email at jbayly@bangordailynews.com.
