Recently, a woman told me that she avoids her teenage niece who suffers from depression. She avoids her beloved niece because she does not know how to help her.
Many of us want to solve the problems of people we care about who are struggling. If we feel unable to do this and avoid them, we may inadvertently and unfortunately send the message that we do not care. I believe most people don’t actually need their problems solved but instead need someone simply to listen.
In my work as a psychotherapist, people often tell me they feel that people rarely listen to them. Listening is what I do for a living and something I think about a lot.
What does it mean to be a good listener? If we cannot offer something tangible like advice, suggestions or solutions, then are we really doing anything helpful?
[Nothing is more empowering than when others see the goodness in us]
Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a psychologist who believed that in order to grow we need an environment that provides us with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard) and empathy (being listened to and understood). He maintained that we behave as we do because of the way we perceive our situation.
“As no one else can know how we perceive, we are the best experts on ourselves,” Rogers said.
In his view, the capacity for self-insight, problem solving and growth resides primarily in ourselves.
This means that the central question for a listener is not: What can I do for this person? Instead, it is: How does this person see himself or herself and his or her situation?
I practice cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. Listening in this theoretical framework is called “validating,” a fancy way of describing the act of acknowledgment.
Some examples may be helpful.
Speaker: I’m afraid to show my report card to my parents! Out of my seven classes, I’m passing only two of them!
Listener: You’re failing a majority of your classes, and you sound very worried.
Speaker: I just don’t ever seem to understand my boss. One minute he says one thing, and the next minute he says the opposite.
Listener: It seems like you often feel confused by him.
What excites me is that listening like this can arouse and channel motivational energy in the speaker. When the listener is an accepting, encouraging partner, leaving the initiative for exploring and diagnosing the problem mainly to the speaker, an often very moving outcome is that the speaker recognizes avenues for action.
[I use manners to give the simple — but dignifying — gift of joy and harmony]
Ironically, sometimes it is harder to listen to the people we love the most because we do not want to see them in pain and want so much to fix or solve their problems. One of the most important things to remember when listening to others is that just because they feel something does not make it true.
The woman who was avoiding her niece said to me, “She seems to see everything so negatively. Every bright spot I point out she doesn’t see!”
“That must be exasperating to you,” I responded empathetically. Mirroring her to feel less alone. As she felt less alone, she was able to feel some relief.
“It is! She is always saying that she doesn’t have any friends. But I know she has lots of friends!” the woman exclaimed.
“It may be helpful to remember that just because we feel something doesn’t make it true,” I said.
“I never thought of that,” the woman said. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t have friends, too, actually, even though I know I do. I can understand that feeling.”
She smiled, with an apparent new willingness to open her mind to the possibilities of listening to her niece.
When accurately reflected, we feel complete, accepted and understood. Having a good audience is kind of magical.
Robin Barstow is a clinical social worker in southern Maine.
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