Can you remember a time when home phones actually had cords? And when the phone rang, a chorus of children’s voices would shout, “I’ll get it,” as the kids raced for the phone.
Who could it be? Aunt Helen? Grandpa Max? The coach of the little league team? It didn’t matter. Whoever was calling was an instant celebrity.
Fast forward to 2018, when landlines have become an endangered species. But if you’re a dinosaur like me, the landline still holds a prominent place in your home.
But how likely are you to jump up and race to the phone when it’s just another telemarketer letting you know that you’ve won an all expenses paid vacation to Bora-Bora — and all you have to do call back to claim your prize?
“Break out the Bermuda shorts, honey. We finally won something.”
During election season, it seems like the phone rings nonstop with pollsters who just want a few minutes of my time or actual candidates who want my vote.
“Hi, this is [fill in the blank], and the reason I’m running is [fill in the blank].” Really? That’s so fascinating.
And don’t get me started on credit card companies. “Due to your excellent credit rating, blah, blah, blah.”
The really sneaky telemarketers are now using the consumer’s local phone exchange as the number that shows up on the caller ID. I’ve actually seen my own phone number appear on the caller ID. Now that’s creative. Diabolical, but creative.
But that’s only half the equation. What about calling out? As Betty Davis once said, “Fasten your seat belts. It’s gonna be a bumpy night.”
So, you get your credit card statement, and on it is a purchase of a half-pound of caviar for $765. And the closest you’ve ever gotten to caviar is Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.
Once the initial shock wears off, you take a deep breath and dial the number at the top of the page.
That’s when you hear that soothing voice. “Thank you for calling ACME Credit Cards. Your call is important to us so please listen carefully as our options have changed.” Are you as sick as I am of hearing that phrase?
Whatever. You need to stay focused and never lose sight of the real goal — an actual human being on the other end.
The soothing voice continues. “To apply for a card, press 1. To make a payment or billing questions, press 2. To find out more about our rewards program, press 3. All other callers — you’re on your own.”
So, you press 2 and hope for a real person. Are you crazy?
Yet another recording. “To direct you to the right associate, we’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
You listen patiently and press more digits, having been assured that a live representative is next. Your spirits are lifted until you hear, “We are experiencing unusually high call volumes. Expected wait time is between 30 and 40 minutes. You might want to try your call again later.”
Now, here’s where the rubber meets the road. How badly do you want it? If you’re Warren Buffett, perhaps you hang up. But you’re not Warren Buffett.
It’s $765, damn it! So, you decide to wait.
And that’s when the music comes on. That @#$% music. Welcome to the elevator that never stops on your floor.
But you’re a mature adult. So instead of just sitting there, you multitask. You wash your dishes, make a ham sandwich, check your emails, rearrange your sock drawer and remove the lint from your naval.
And finally at minute 39, a human voice! But it’s a voice with a heavy accent. Now I’m as PC as the next guy, but in order to move the conversation forward one needs to understand what’s being said on the other end.
Yet, somehow you muddle through. And after 20 minutes of back and forth without a positive outcome, you demand to speak to the supervisor. So you’re put on hold yet again. Until, until — the line goes dead.
You know that part of you that you hope no one ever sees? Please hold.
Eddie Adelman is a writer who lives in Belfast.
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