I don’t know about you, but I’ve got Wednesday, Nov. 7, circled on my calendar. That’s the day after Election Day when all the political ads expire, the lawn signs come down and the robo-calls cease and desist.
I am neither a Democrat nor a Republican, so I don’t have a dog in that fight. You could say I’m an equal-opportunity skewer.
But before I do that, let me say how blessed I am to live in a country where I can write a piece like this without fear of being abducted from my home in the middle of the night and imprisoned, tortured or even killed. For the brave souls in places like Syria, North Korea or Iran willing to risk everything standing up to tyranny, I can only bow my head in humility and utter veneration.
And now back to the skewering.
As far as I can tell, the No. 1 goal of every elected official is simple: Get re-elected. Serving the needs of their constituents comes in at No. 7 or 8. Hey, at least it cracks the top 10.
Getting re-elected is a full-time job. There’s always a new gunslinger ready and willing to face off in the middle of town. And let’s face it. We all love that “Gunsmoke” moment.
Sadly, it’s the moments leading up to the face-off that are problematic.
Let’s start with political ads. As much as $50 million (that’s 50 with six more zeros!) will be spent on a single Senate race this year, and you can bet a sizable portion of that will go toward TV ads. And that’s just one race in one state. Multiply that by thousands of local, state and federal races, and it’s beyond staggering.
Think about how much low-income housing all that money would buy. We could eliminate homelessness in America in a single election cycle. But I digress.
If I’m not mistaken, there was a time when TV ads didn’t mention the competition. If it was a Tide ad, there was no mention of Blue Cheer.
I believe the same was true of political ads. We were happy to see the candidate posing in the backyard with his or her family in front of a swing set, surrounded by impossibly cute kids, and stout, hard-working immigrant parents.
Kiss those days goodbye!
Nowadays, political ads start with a single, undeniable premise: the opposing candidate is the Antichrist, risen from the bowels of hell and obsessed with destroying everything you hold near and dear. Adios, swing set.
Let’s move on to political signs, or what I like to refer to as “scourge.” The affliction is everywhere — lawns, roadsides, shop windows. On my street alone, I counted half a dozen lawn signs for a single candidate. And such nice lawns, too.
If lawmakers are so concerned about preserving Maine’s beauty and grandeur, shouldn’t they amend Maine’s billboard law to include political signs? What’s good for the goose…
And how about those incessant robo-calls from the candidates at dinner time? “Hi, this is (fill in the blank). And the reason I’m running is (fill in the blank).”
Wow! That is so fascinating. I’ll take two.
Finally, what’s a good political campaign without a catchy slogan? They go back a long ways. “A chicken in every pot.” “I like Ike.” “It’s the economy, stupid.” “A thousand points of light?” “Yes we can.” “Make America great again.”
Back in 1968, I remember one presidential slogan that was fodder for a T-shirt. It showed a very pregnant woman with the caption, “Nixon’s the One.”
Perhaps a bit more of that shared lightness and perspective is just what the doctor ordered to get us through all of this nonsense. And, more important, make us realize that we’re not as different as we think.
But for now, Election Day is less than a month away. As far as I’m concerned, it can’t get here soon enough. Can I get an “Amen”?
Eddie Adelman is a writer who lives in Belfast.
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