By most commonly accepted measures, my family has been very fortunate. My wife and I have been married for more than 38 years, and we both had successful and satisfying public sector careers in education and local government. Our two children married wonderful spouses, live in Maine and all have excellent jobs. My parents, now in their early 90s, are healthy and still living in their own home. Our extended families have also done well.
But recently I have realized just how fortunate I really am. You see, one of my lovely daughters-in-law is Black. I must admit that when she first met our family, I was unsure what to expect. She was from away, her culture was different and she was not White. Her young life growing up in urban St. Louis was not easy, but she persevered. She is smart, energetic and talented and worked hard to earn her undergraduate degree at St. Louis University and later her graduate degree from Simmons College.
Being a lifelong Mainer who only reluctantly crosses the Piscataqua River Bridge on occasion, I knew very little about Black culture, Black history or Black challenges. As they say, I was about as numb as a pounded thumb concerning issues affecting people of color.
Fortunately, my daughter-in-law quickly realized my cultural deficiencies and over the past seven years has patiently helped me to learn and understand what being Black in America (and Maine, no less) really means. For example, I knew little about the hurtfulness of the blackface issue or why Blacks are fearful of those in positions of authority.
I listened, I asked questions and I have learned a lot. Our conversations have not always been comfortable for me, but that is OK. These discussions are not easy, even among family members.
The recent death of George Floyd presented an entirely new opportunity for learning and understanding. Discussion surrounding racial issues, inequality in the justice system, systemic bias, law enforcement policies and practices, and less favorable opportunities in education and employment have been thoughtful and enlightening. Again, I have learned so much that I never knew. I thought my eyes and my mind were open, but they weren’t. Not even close.
My daughter-in-law has brought much more to our family than I ever imagined. For this, and her acceptance and patience with me, I am both fortunate and grateful. From this experience, I am committed to two goals: First, to continue asking, listening and learning; and second, to ensure that all my future grandchildren have a deeper understanding and appreciation of Black culture and challenges than I did.
It may only be one small step, and there is much more to do, but it is a step in the right direction that is long overdue. And for the well-being of current and future generations, it is an imperative step that we all must embrace.
Right Now. Because it really matters.
Robert Farrar of Coplin Plantation was employed by the city of Bangor for more than 27 years. He retired in 2016 as assistant city manager and human resources director.