Victoria’s Secret merchandise is already guaranteed sexy, but I wanted something more from the “PINK” face mask I bought there. I took a trip to Mardens and found a strip of black lace adorned with gold bead-and-sequin bling to tart it up. I attached the lace to my mask, wore it to the store, and people lost their minds. Some told me they loved it. My best friend said it looked “harem-y,” and one person even shouted “Awesome!”
I may have stumbled on the secret to getting people to wear masks: They have to have The Look. Sexy is good, but sexy and expensive is best. Having worn glasses all my life, I am already experienced in making something ordinary into face jewelry.
What about the guys? I haven’t seen a camo mask yet but I’m sure they’re out there. These even have the possibility of multiple usages for hunters. Polar bears know how to disguise their faces when they hunt, why not people?
For the more sophisticated, perhaps a black mask dripping with Soprano-inspired gold chains would do. The adventuresome might consider faux leather with motorcycle accents such as chains, studs, and a tiny zipper in a big ole grin — or snarl — glued across the front. Sound like a bit of a rig? Just tell the dudes down at your local Liars Club that the fake stuff is real.
I like wearing a mask — it hides the wrinkles! And they aren’t all. I used to visit the salon every few months in a futile battle to rip the fur off my lip. I’m not one of those women with little beards, but the stuff always grew back. Nobody can see it now, so I’m spared the time, pain, and expense.
I like wearing a mask. The veneer on my front teeth had become riddled with brown stains. My dentist ground the staining off, submitted the bill to my insurance company, and they declared it a “cosmetic procedure,” meaning I was out $300. If only I could have known a mask would soon conceal it all.
I like wearing a mask. It covers the permanent lines around my mouth, etched there by long-ago family troubles. Now I don’t look like I’m frowning all the time. However, this does cause some frustration when I actually do want to frown — usually at somebody not wearing a mask. All I can do to express my displeasure is roll my eyes. On the other hand, at least no one knows I am singing along with the songs in the supermarket like some kind of nut.
I like wearing a mask so much that I’m considering adopting a veil post-pandemic. Unfortunately veils seem to come in only two colors: black, if I want to look like a grieving widow; or white, if I want to look like a bride. Either way I can imagine folks offering me unwarranted condolences or congratulations. And are all veils attached to silly little frou-frou flowered hats? I need something mysterious and stylish!
What are your ideas? We can whine and moan or we can make this crisis work for us. If you can’t run free, be like Jack London’s star rover and release your imagination — it’s limitless.
Roslyn Reid of Trenton is an author who likes to garden, lift weight, hikes, and renovate houses.