It sounded like an idea from heaven itself. I would be paid $9,075 and all I would have to do is what I do best — sleep.
I can nod off with the best of them, during a baseball game, even during “The Sopranos,” if the killing slows down a bit. On camping trips (before the rainy season, that is), I was always the first one in the rack and the last one up.
This sleep offer came by way of the Maine Sunday Telegram, which used to be the enemy until the economy got so bad that newspapers started sharing stories, of all things. One day this week the Press Herald had a front-page story in the Bangor Daily News, which could be a sign of the approaching Apocalypse.
To augment my dog food supply, I occasionally read the want ads for jobs that pay well and require little or no effort.
Wow!
Here was an ad that promised $9,075 for a 39-day sleep study at a Boston hospital. Nine large for playing Rip Van Winkle for a month, sneaking out at night for a few games at Fenway, dinner at Jacob Wirth’s. Sounded perfect.
But life is never quite perfect. There are always a few flaws.
According to the hospital, “The purpose of this study is to test how young and older people may differ in their response to sleeping less than an optimal amount each night, including how not sleeping enough affects sleep itself, how it affects metabolism, and how it affects waking performance and alertness. The study is being done in order to understand the health and safety consequences of insufficient sleep in young and older people, and to see how those consequences differ depending on age.”
Sounds good so far.
“This is a three-week outpatient study followed by a 39-day inpatient study. All of the 39 days and nights of the inpatient part of the study will be spent in your study room where you will live for the entire 39 days and nights without going home.”
Huh?
That means no Fenway Park, No Jakie Wirth’s.
First of all you have to make four visits to see if you can qualify for the test. Four round trips to Boston, about 1,600 miles. Then you have to keep a diary of sleep habits for three weeks before the test, wearing a “wrist activity recorder,” which apparently measures movement. They may be surprised; some days, I don’t move at all.
During the three-week warm-up and the 39-day study, there is no caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, prescription drugs, herbal supplements, vitamins or street drugs. Hmmm. For nine large I could take the cure for a month. Street and prescription drugs are not a problem. But caffeine? For 39 days? I don’t think so.
Believe me, there will be no trips to Fenway.
“During your 39-day study, you will live in your own room in the hospital. You will not know what time it is, and your room will not have windows, clocks, TV, and you will not be allowed to bring devices (such as a watch or cell phone) that tell time. You will also not have access to a telephone during the time you are in your study room. The room is monitored by technicians and nurses, and the room has an intercom and video camera.”
No computer? No e-mails from Hammer? No “Sopranos”? How will I find out if Adriana is still alive?
There was more.
“During the study we will record your sleep patterns every night. You will be told when to go to sleep and when to wake up, and when to shower, and when to eat your meals. For about half of the study, you will be scheduled to sleep for less than what you typically do at home. For some nights of the study, you will be scheduled to sleep more than what you typically do at home. When you are scheduled to be asleep, all the lights in your room will be turned out until it is time for you to wake up. When you are scheduled to be awake, you will be required to try to stay awake and will not be allowed to nap, and we will record your brain waves continuously. When you are awake, you will have to take performance and memory tests at regular intervals on a computer.”
Wait until they try to find my memory, which disappeared somewhere around 1986, when Bill Buckner lost that baseball.
The hospital warned that if you fail to complete the 39-day test or show any traces of illicit drugs (such as Second Read Coffee), you get zip.
I believe they can keep their $9,075 and I will go back to my dog food. Now I am looking for a job as an ice cream tester.
Send complaints and compliments to Emmet Meara at emmetmeara@msn.com.