Dear Prudie,
A friend and I just graduated from high school and we have become close since we started working together. Last year I noticed he seemed to have a girlfriend in his life but he wouldn’t mention any details about her. Then last month he told me the truth.
He had a sexual and emotional relationship with a 30-year-old female teacher and on several occasions she got him drunk. To prove it, he showed me Facebook messages and texts between them. He broke up with her, and now she won’t leave him alone and she says she loves him. My friend has a promising future, and when he told me, he swore me to secrecy.
I feel bad for my friend who was taken advantage of by an authority figure. My friend’s dad ran out on him, his two sisters got pregnant as teens, and his mother has had cancer. Obviously he shouldn’t have ever told me, but what obligation do I have not only him but to future students?
—Freaked Out
Dear Freaked,
You are very perceptive to see that this teacher is a predator and she chose as her prey a vulnerable, fatherless boy. You are also right that such people tend to be serial abusers and other susceptible boys will likely follow.
I know you were sworn to secrecy, but then you were told about multiple crimes. I’m afraid your obligation to your friend and to future students negates your vow of silence. But this is not a burden you should have to carry alone. It’s the responsibility of the adults around you to take action so that Ms. Hotpants is not writing her name on the chalkboard when the new school year begins.
So tell your parents and ask them to help you report this to the authorities. You can start with the school principal, but if you don’t get an immediate response, call the police. Do give your friend a heads up about what you are doing. Tell him this teacher is sick and needs to be reported, that what happened isn’t his fault and he needs help dealing with this.
Yes, all this will be painful for a boy who has already suffered too much. But he will ultimately be better off for not having to fend off this sicko and bear this secret.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and his first wife named their son Adam. Their Adam is 25 and lives across the country from us. Now we are having a son, and Adam is my late father’s name and grandfather’s name. I always wanted to name my son after my dad. My husband says I can’t do that because of his firstborn son, and he can’t have two sons named Adam. But mostly, because it would upset his ex-wife. I don’t think I should have to forgo naming my son after my dad because of this. We rarely see his older son, so I don’t see what the problem is. My husband got to pick the name for our daughter and it meant a lot to him. This means a lot to me. His son said it would be all right with him, but his ex is livid at the idea.
— Attached to Adam
Dear Attached,
Only three more sons to go — all named Adam — and your husband could tie George Foreman’s record for having sons who all share the same name. I hear from a lot of people who think other family members have “stolen” a name they wanted for their child. But while it doesn’t matter if cousins have the same name, it is bizarre to give more than one of your own children the same name.
Your husband already has a son named Adam. The older Adam may feel so disconnected (or is so laid back) that he says he doesn’t care that he could have a younger brother also named Adam. But your husband says he doesn’t want to give both his sons the same name. I agree the wishes of the ex-wife are completely irrelevant, but maybe your husband is trying to make her the heavy.
You can honor your own family name by making Adam your son’s middle name. You could even flip your father’s first and middle names for your own son. I know Adam was the first man, but there have been many since then and you need to choose another name, because in your family, Adam is taken.
— Prudie
Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Questions may be edited.
Dear Freaked Out,
You haven’t told me your friend’s age, but because he’s a high school graduate I’ll assume he’s 18 or 19, and, though not fully mature, not a child either. Your friend is a friend, and he gave you the information in confidence, so you better think very carefully before you betray his secrecy because once you ring the bell there’s no turning back. That bell can’t be unrung.
And if you think he’s hurting now, just wait until you drop a dime on him and his teacher. Then he’ll be in a world of hurt, and he won’t be your friend, and all your other friends – in fact everyone – will know it. He’ll just be a poor sap who snitched to a pal, who snitched to his parents, who told the police, who changed your friend’s life by putting him in a witness situation and embarassing him before the whole world. And all the “counseling” in Christendom won’t make him better than he would have been with your silence. Time, maturity, and life experience are great healers.
So, don’t listen to Prudence on this. She writes an advice column published for everyone to read (you can’t expect her to say keep it quiet now, can you?). She has to give the standard do-gooder advice that you’d expect from an older woman in an authority position. Think of her as a female teacher or an older nanny. Though she might like you, when it comes right down to it she doesn’t have your, or your friend’s, best interests at heart.
Don’t do it.
_Bandbox
Wow bandbox. I can guess that you’re probably, what, 16, 17 at the most. You really think that this is something Freaked Out should be quiet about. A SEXUAL PREDATOR took advantage of his friend. She will do it again if she is not reported. Yes, Freaked’s friend might be in for a rough go of it for a while, but do you think he’s been having it easy, keeping this secret for as long as he has? And who knows what damage this relationship has done to him for future relationships. This isn’t about being a do-gooder, this is about doing what’s right. With the knowledge Freaked now possesses, he can be charged as an accomplice or, at the very least, obstruction of justice if he doesn’t come forward and someone else will. By exposing this relationship, too, he gives his friend the opportunity to get help that he wouldn’t otherwise get because he would have to spill the beans to do so. Yeah, Freaked’s friend might have it rough, but he’s not exactly having an easy time of it now with the Teacher still bugging him. How far will she go? Friend will get past it. Yeah, it may mean the end of the friendship, but if it does, it wasn’t much of a friendship in the first place.
Since we’re guessing about each other, I’ll take a stab at it too. You’re probably not a man, but if you are, you’ve never had any close male friends who’ve come to you for advice or who you’ve had to help out in a jam. You’re certainly not like any friend I’ve ever had, that’s for sure, and that’s not a guess.
Most likely you’re a woman, one of those types I mentioned in my comment.
But I’ll answer your question, “. . . do you think he’s been having it easy, keeping this secret for as long as he has?” My answer is, I don’t know because we don’t have enough information and we don’t know the reliability of what Freaked has reported and how he has spun it. If I had to guess, I’d say it hasn’t been that bad for the young man – he may even have liked his fling – and that Freaked is probably inclined to overdramatize things, has done some filtering and spinning, and is about to intermeddle and make a mess of the whole situation. Part of the basis for my opinion is that I’ve been a teenager, I’ve had friends, I’m a male, I like women and have had relationships with them, and I’d be damned mad if a friend of mine betrayed a confidence, especially one about a woman.
Furthermore, if the guy is really having a problem with the woman, he should learn how to fight his own battles – something every man should learn – before getting others involved. He should go to her himself and make it absolutely clear the relationship is over for good and that he doesn’t want her bugging him. And he should warn her that if she contacts him again, he will report her to the school principal. If that doesn’t work, he can take the next step and report her.
You say, “With the knowledge Freaked now possesses, he can be charged as an accomplice or, at the very least, obstruction of justice if he doesn’t come forward and someone else will.” In my opinion, that’s utter nonsense, just plain false. But if you disagree, answer these questions:
What is the legal basis of your assertion that Freaked could be charged as an accomplice for merely possessing information given to him after the fact, when he had nothing to do with the sexual relationship or getting the young man drunk? And to what crime(s) would he be an accomplice? What is the legal basis for your claim that he could be charged with obstruction of justice for doing nothing more than failing to come forward and report what his friend told him in confidence? When I say legal basis, I mean just that: specific statutes and case law citations, not anecdotal accounts.
First, how old was the alleged victim? If they were 18 when it all took place it is not a police matter. An anonymous tip to the school system is a possibility. This is inappropriate by a teacher and is grounds for termination. It will at least spark and investigation within the school system.
As far as the teacher getting him drunk, If he was 18 then he got himself drunk. Unless she held a gun to his head, 18 is the age of accountability as an adult.
Scenario 1: whats to say the “friend” isn’t a liar who made a pass at an innocent teacher and was DENIED! He may have showed up on her door step drunk and she told him to leave. Now he is playing it off that he had a relationship with her to come off as cool! (She did nothing wrong in this scenario)
Scenario 2: He wanted to have a relationship, she said no because she his teacher, after he graduates she calls him, he says no and blows it out of proportion. (She still legally did nothing wrong)
Scenario 3: Lets assume he was underage, she seduced him, got him drunk, and had a sexual relationship with him… I say lock the pedophile up!
Now before some one takes the chance of wrecking a possibly innocent woman’s career based on a columnists advice, I say go talk to the teacher directly. Get a feel for the situation first and see what she says. You will be able to tell if she is lying. Tell her about the FB posts.
A friend wouldn’t come to you for advice, show you all of that, then say “don’t tell anyone” if they weren’t screaming for help. The right thing needs to be done in this situation either way, but you will need to figure out what is what “the right thing” is first!
Blah blah…you need to get some.
Only if he is a fool… Older women make great lovers..
Do it…. You wont regret.
LOL!
Funny, they make it seem like the 30 something is a pervert… Remember 19 is still a teen.
You can enlist in the military at 17… This young man is just as responsible for his own actions as his former teacher is responsible for her actions. To call her a predator is a bit of a stretch, although she may be emotionally immature— but who am I to judge?
I hear you, I went in the Navy at 17….
next
I see another option… how about going to the teacher and telling her what you know, telling her that you will inform the police if she doesn’t resign/retire… and that if she tells your friend what you told her, you will go to the police as well…
Blackmail? Break a law? If she says it is true report her. If she denies it, email the FB posts to the superintendent. Don’t threaten her to keep her from telling your friend. Man up and tell your friend you went to her. Friends shouldn’t lie to each other. Just be honest.
Go for it again…… She sounds hot.
BTW Emily is a little hottie..
LOL again!
I suspect that most here would feel differently if the 30 year old teacher was male and the underage student female or heaven forbid, male too.
Comon, be honest, it feels different, right?
Why is that?
Whoa! I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would
So good, so good, I got you
So good, so good, I got you
So good, so good, I got you
HEY!!
Oh and are you going to follow her through life with that threat to report her when she takes a new position in a new district? If she is a pedophile and using her teaching position as a tool for her sexual pleasure, she needs to be put on a sex off. registry, that way she won’t even be allowed on school property and be banned from teaching for life…IF she has even done anything legally wrong!