We are a week away from the dawn of a new year, and I — like many of you, I hope — am tightening my grip on my resolve to do better and be better. Here are the resolutions I am going to strive toward:
— Stop trying to look like Kim Kardashian and just look like Kim Kardashian.
— Secure a multi-million dollar recording contract.
— Wear less: urine, Spanx, food in my teeth, Medium stickers on my shirts, and hair ties that got lost in my hair.
— Wear more: zipped pants.
— Scream less, “For the love of everything holy, can we get through a doorway faster than the Texas A&M marching band?”
— Leave fewer iPads on the front lawn.
— Take Savannah Guthrie’s job. So we don’t have to hear the name Savannah anymore.
— Eat more: meals at the table.
— Eat less: in the bathroom and in general.
— Determine where all the cowboys have gone.
— Make Rick Moranis famous again.
— Stop clicking: my nails and links titled “Shark Tank Explodes Inside Mall In China.”
— Dabble in the exotic large animal trade. Except silverback gorillas; they seem temperamental.
— Watch that Jessica Simpson movie that grossed $24 bucks and some Swedish Fish sales.
— Popularize hand signals while driving.
— Visit a polar ice cap. And stop it from melting.
— Visit a fiscal cliff. And stop things from falling off it.
— Bear witness to a Sea World orca trainer attack.
— Gather Hilary Clinton’s hair into a high ponytail.
— Stop eating food off the free sample plates and pretending I didn’t know they were 90 percent covered in pee.
— Wonder less about why I bought a Jennifer Convertibles sofa.
— Perfect my Diane Rehm voice.
— Talk to my Navy Seal brother over Skype without signing off, “You know, I was the favorite child before you had to go become a national emblem of heroism. But whatever. I still have better hair.”
— Remove “refried beans” from the “Special Skills” section of my resume.