Q. My partner wanted to nurture our two amazing boys, age 4 and 9, the way his late mother nurtured him, so we have always co-slept with the children. They kicked so much however that I had to move to another bedroom six years ago, just to get a good night’s sleep.
Co-sleeping has bonded us closely and made our children very well-behaved, but my partner and I are getting married soon, I have a full-time job and I’m getting my Ph.D., too, so we decided that the boys should start sleeping in their own beds.
We haven’t moved the younger one yet because he is still in Pull-Ups, and we don’t want to put him through two big changes at once, but getting the older one to sleep in his own room has been a dismal failure for the past two years. We still read a bedtime story to him, but in our last approach, we let him read a story to himself — he loves to read! — and to decide how we should redecorate his room. In addition, we gave him a bowl of cereal and some warm chocolate milk, we taught him some breathing and relaxation techniques and an encouragement mantra so he could calm down and fall asleep. He still got anxious and would sometimes sob in his bed until 11:30 p.m., so we just asked to stay in his own room unless he absolutely had to get into Dada’s bed. He quickly learned to jump through this loophole however even though he had to climb over a beanbag chair, which we had taped in our doorway — a reminder that he should sleep in his own room.
As usual, this approach only lasted a few days and caused a big problem because my partner watches TV in bed while I study, and this distraction keeps them awake for an extra hour. This really bothers me. My partner thinks I’m being too strict, but I want better boundaries between us and the children. Someone suggested that we let our younger boy sleep with his brother, but is this a good idea?
A. Why not? You’ve tried everything else, but they really need limits more than anything else because limits make children feel safe.
Your boys aren’t old enough or wise enough to make good decisions every blessed time, and they know that. That’s why they have parents. It isn’t always fun, but they need you to tell them what they can and cannot do and whether they can sleep with you or not. This is a decision that only you and your partner can make. Some parents think co-sleeping is wonderful, some think it is awful, but most children think it’s swell since they’re the only kickers in the bed. They probably would be just as good if they had been sleeping in a tree however — most 9-year-olds behave quite well, and aside from their potty jokes, most 4-year-olds do, too.
Co-sleeping can have some real negatives, however, if it continues beyond the early years. When parents do things for their children that their children can do for themselves, these children often lose their self-confidence — and self-confidence is what they need to fall asleep on their own. Your amazing boys are more daring and resilient than you think, but only if you let them practice these skills.
This doesn’t mean that your child — or any child — should be left to sob alone in his room or that you should blockade your door every night. Instead, you should ask him to help you choose a date in the next two weeks when he should start staying in his own bed all night, every night, and without being placated with treats and without blocking your doorway either. A 9-year-old can handle this situation and he could probably have handled it when he was a baby, too.
To retrain your son, go to him within five minutes when he cries, but don’t plead, argue, negotiate or even talk much except to say, “It’s okay, son. We’re right here. Go back to bed.” And do this again and again until he falls asleep. The scenes will escalate at first, but in a week or two, your son should fall asleep after a 15-minute ritual (and without any cereal or chocolate milk).
To make bedtime even easier — let your boys sleep together in the same bed or at least in the same room. Your children won’t be damaged if they have to sleep away from their Dada, but they will be damaged you cater to their every whim.
Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com.