Complaints about the stress of family time have been all over Twitter, blog posts and even best-face-forward Facebook posts lately. The holiday season is here. Even the healthiest and happiest of families can find themselves at each other’s throats. Stress, frequently fueled by alcohol, sometimes comes out in ugly ways.
Of course, family stress often goes beyond arguments over how the lights should hang or who was supposed to bring the stuffing. There are deeper experiences of significant family dysfunction, including violence, active alcoholism and addiction, and unhealed wounds from the past. Why do people stick around and put up with sick situations?
One thing I’ve noticed in the last few years is it seems to me that people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds are willing to put up with a lot more family garbage than people who come from wealth.
Let me be clear, I’m not talking about people living in abusive relationships. In those cases, while money does play a very real role in what might make someone stay with an abuser, the fear of increased violence, shame, denial, and many other factors also come into play. Leaving is frequently not a safe option.
But what about the aging and ailing mother who insists on living with her adult daughter and her five children in their three-bedroom apartment, refusing to pay rent, and expecting to get one of the bedrooms to herself? Or the cousin who always shows up to family events wasted, picking fights with everyone, smoking inside despite being asked not to, and displaying other belligerent and disrespectful nastiness?
Many psychological factors inform how or why we stay connected to family. People are complicated. However, I’ve learned that, for poor or blue collar people, the idea of cutting ties frequently isn’t even considered.
There’s a deep loyalty to family that was foreign to me until I came to know people with different backgrounds than my own.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. Things would have to be unimaginably bad for me to consider severing communications. But, if I felt a situation was harmful to me or my children, ending family relationships would be on my list of options. I think that’s a characteristic of my socioeconomic background.
People living in poverty depend on each other. There is an integration of needs combined with serious generosity — who needs childcare, who needs a ride, who has hand-me-down clothes for the nephews — among poor and blue collar people that’s different than it is for upper-middle- and upper-class communities. Disadvantaged people stick together, counting on each other intimately, in ways I couldn’t even imagine five or 10 years ago.
Where I’m from, we didn’t have to worry about getting to and from work or having enough money for rent. The idea of calling on a family member or friend looking for childcare, a ride, or a short-term loan wouldn’t even be on the radar. We were all in it together, but the way we experienced that wasn’t as concrete as it is for poor or blue collar people.
We cared about the world, wanted to help people who needed help, and worked tirelessly at times to help change the system that keeps people in the cycle of poverty. We weren’t without love or compassion. Our caring for people simply didn’t include much of an element of dependence on each other for our survival.
Sometimes I read or listen to a friend talk about incredibly disturbing interactions she has had with family members, and I see that those same people are still a part of her everyday life. I suspect the reason she stays connected is related to that poor or blue collar interdependence.
If family is essential for your survival in life, of course the idea of cutting off communications wouldn’t even seem like an option. Even if someone’s background is a generation or more removed from the intense levels of interconnectedness in blue collar or poor communities, that view of family probably remains. No matter the pain or difficulty family causes, you don’t say no to them and you don’t say goodbye. It just isn’t done. The cost is just too high.
Heather Denkmire is a writer and artist who lives in Portland with her two young daughters. After a few challenging years, she is growing her small business, where her team helps nonprofit organizations win grants. She can be reached at column@grantwinners.net. Her columns appear monthly.