Did you fall for it, sucker?
Last week, the “news site” NewsWatch33 reported that “astronomers from NASA have indicated that the world will enter total darkness for three days, starting on December 21, as a consequence of a solar storm. This storm is the largest of the last 50 years and will last 72 hours,” it was reported. NASA recommended to avoid panic and make sure that you have sufficient candles and food in stock. According to NASA, “This is a natural phenomenon and not the end of the world, but simply a solar storm and the planets will align and cover the sun.”
Some of us stocked (some say overstocked) with personal illumination looked forward to the threat.
The NewsWatch33 hoax was buttressed with a video in which NASA administrator Charles F. Bolden Jr. talked about the importance of family preparedness in times of disaster. While Bolden does wax on about the need for families to prepare in advance for unforeseen events, nowhere in that video does he make mention of planetary blackouts, universe realignments or shifts to the zero dimension.
This “Days of Darkness” farce originated back in 2012, when interest in the belief that the Mayan calendar would end on Dec. 21, 2012 (thus foretelling the end of the world as we know it) was running high; and it has simply been updated and recirculated with the year 2015 or 2014 replacing the original references to 2012.
Sorry. The universe is not about to realign in December, nor will there be a multiday blackout at that time during which the Earth will shift into a new dimension. Neither NASA nor any other credible scientific entity has made such a pronouncement. Ever.
Your puny heart may have skipped a beat when you read that dire warning, if only for a second. At Cobb Manor, we looked forward to the darkness which we have been expecting for decades. I believe I suffered a PTSD episode in a tent at Turner Bogan campsite on the St. John River some 20 years ago. I awoke in the middle of the night with a very urgent call from Mrs. Nature. All of those Labatt cans consumed during the day demanded escape. Reluctantly, after deciding against wetting the bed, I crawled over my snoring tent mates and escaped to the Maine wilderness. Talk about wilderness. Everything out of the river jumped in and everything in the river jumped out. Well, that’s what it sounded like. I had no knife. I had no flashlight.
That would never happen again.
I bought a new knife as soon as we got back to Moosehead. I bought a new Maglite as soon as we got home. I have been buying them ever since. As God as my witness, like Scarlett O’Hara, I would never be without them again. I have been accused of OCD more than once.
Last week, I made the mistake of watching QVC. I know better. They were offering the Coleman Elite HiLo Lantern for $79.96 (four payments). Did I need it? No. Did I buy it? Yes.
This is the greatest lantern of all time. Powered with eight D cells, this baby has four pull-away, rechargeable parts, allowing four campers to take their own personal illumination to avoid falling while urinating, a humbling and very messy experience. The best part is the home base stays lit while the other four parts are out illuminating the darkness and the bears.
I have been soundly criticized for my collection of LED flashlights and lanterns. Last week, I cleaned out my (hardly used) backpack and found still another lantern. I now have one in my waterproof York Box, bedroom, bathroom, dining room and now living room. Flashlights? I have little ones, I have huge ones. I have at least three in the vehicle at all times. I have one in each crummy piece of luggage and duffle bag.
If the Days of Darkness had actually occurred, those critics and naysayers against personal illumination would have flocked to Cobb Manor like Muslims headed to Mecca. Cobb Manor might have become the Maine State House for the disaster.
“Can I borrow a flashlight? A lantern?”
They would have flocked around my Coleman Elite HiLo. And they would have been thankful.
Me? I am praying for a blackout.
Emmet Meara lives in Camden in blissful retirement after working as a reporter for the BDN in Rockland for 30 years.