The winter holidays are infamous for packing an unwelcome dose of stress along with the more seasonal gifts of joy and renewal. For Mainers who contemplate spending the coming weeks alone because of a recent divorce, separation or death of a loved one, that stress can feel especially overwhelming, according to Henrietta “Hank” Poons, a clinical counselor who has practiced in the Bangor area for more than 30 years.
“Emotionally, the holiday season is really a compressed version of the whole year,” she said. If family dynamics are out of whack, finances are a mess or loneliness is an emerging theme, those anxieties can all be brought into excruciating focus during the leadup to Christmas and the new year.
While each person’s situation is unique, Poons said there are several predictable dilemmas to anticipate, pitfalls to avoid and positive strategies for making the best of a season than may feel less than festive.
“The first piece of advice I would offer is that families should really try to make Christmas feel more like Thanksgiving,” she said. “This can be a time to simply come together, appreciate your home and the goodness in your life and share a healthy, simple meal.”
Here are several other points to consider, based on Poons’ years of experience in helping clients navigate the holidays:
— If you are wounded by a recent or pending divorce or death, acknowledge your grief. Don’t expect to go through the motions of holiday traditions as if nothing had changed.
— Make a plan now for how to manage the holiday itself. Don’t get caught at the last minute trying to get up to speed with family expectations.
— There is nothing inherently wrong or tragic about spending any part of the holidays alone. On Christmas Day, for example, you could read a book, watch a movie, go to a church service, take a walk and meditate. It could be just what you need.
— Say no to requests you can’t reasonably fulfill. Your time, your energy, your money and even your goodwill may be in short supply this year. Conserve them if you need to.
— If you decide to share holiday festivities with family members, be prepared to sidestep predictable drama. Avoid alcohol, interacting with your ex and hot-button issues, such as politics or entrenched family dynamics. Take a bathroom break, clear the dinner table or suggest a walk if conversations heat up.
To balance these protective strategies and avoid isolation, Poons also suggests people find new ways to socialize during the holidays.
“If friends invite you to spend Christmas morning with them or to come over for dinner, don’t hesitate because you think they just feel sorry for you,” she said. “People genuinely like to give of themselves and be hospitable during the holidays.”
Conversely, you may feel comfortable asking a friend or family member if you can share part of their holiday with them.
You may also find that opening your own home for a small, informal holiday gathering is an appealing and manageable idea. And volunteering at a nursing home, homeless shelter or other setting can provide meaningful interactions and important perspective.
Bottom line?
“Keep it low-key,” Poons said.
