All right. This is serious. It’s time to buy me some awesome (hate that word) presents. Today is my birthday. Friday is Christmas. Take out that credit card. It’s not maxed out yet.
This is my 75th birthday (I KNOW!) so there may not be many more. I’m not as old as Cousin Jerry, but I am getting up there. Sharon Hilton’s gift of fabulous Irish bread was a start.
Never mind Wal-Mart or Target. Forget the mall. I am talking serious presents here.
When in doubt, always visit Hammacher Schlemmer. I have always been afflicted with PIP, or Personal Illumination Problem and HS understands. I have flashlights in my kitchen drawer, desk, living room table, bedroom (under the pillow) and in each piece of “luggage” that I own. There are two or three in the car. It is better to have one and not need it than … you know.
I have discovered for my gift list HS’s “most powerful flashlight.” If you can believe that fabulous catalog, “it is the only one in the world that produces 3,350 lumens from a high-intensity discharge (HID) Xenon lamp, which allows it to illuminate objects up to a mile away.” I could blast Grima’s house. This system is “found in stadium lights and aircraft landing lights.” I am drooling.
In case you are taking notes, this technology involves passing an electric current through a chamber of ionized gas, “resulting in a lamp that produces 10 times more light than a regular incandescent lamp. It also produces one-third less heat than a halogen flashlight, resulting in a 2,000-hour lamp life.” I know you have heard enough, but “the fully articulated deep parabolic reflector produces a narrow, focused beam. The flashlight is encased in high-impact ABS thermoplastic housing that protects the bulb chamber from shock.”
I have no idea what that means. But I want it. You should know before you connect to HS that the price tag is $749.95. How much of a friend are you? I promise that I will make it available for any searches for missing animals, hikers and small children. It, like me, will be a neighborhood resource.
I have always been challenged in all things fashion. Give me some L.L. Bean shorts, Polo shirts and New Balance sneakers and I am good for nine, maybe 10 months a year. I always review my bible, Men’s Journal magazine, for all things sartorial. You could bail me out of my fashion malaise by checking out the Burberry Classic scarf, which would “add texture, color and function to your outfit with a classic soft rectangle of wool.” Burberry’s Classic (cashmere) scarf is warmer, lighter and more durable than mere merino wool and it’s woven in Scotland. It better be woven in Scotland, because it is going to maim your MasterCard for a whopping $475. Imagine leaving that behind in Trackside Restaurant in Rockland. They always save my baseball hats when I leave them behind. Don’t expect that cashmere to be there the next day.
You don’t have much time. Spend a little.
If you want to help me through the winter (if it ever arrives), you could get me the Heat Trap from John Varvatos. That would go well with the Burberry scarf. This rib knit beanie has a second layer beneath the merino exterior, “all the better to achieve an artfully slouchy vibe.” Honest to God. You and I will achieve that vibe for a mere $158.
For a hat. Come on. You know I’m worth it.
Me and my “artfully slouchy vibe.”
Emmet Meara lives in Camden in blissful retirement after working as a reporter for the BDN in Rockland for 30 years.