Editor’s note: Due to the nature of this subject, only first names of domestic violence survivors are being used. Some of the first names of the survivors have been changed.
Worthless. Broken. Terrified. Brainwashed.
This is how survivors of domestic violence say the mental, verbal and physical abuse they endured made them feel. But these southern Maine women are breaking their silence in hopes of helping others.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and statistics show that nearly 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in the United States have suffered severe physical violence by an intimate partner. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, domestic violence is “the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” Domestic violence affects individuals everywhere, regardless of age, economic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, or nationality. Typically accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior, domestic violence can also include sexual abuse and inevitably leads to physical injury, psychological trauma, and sometimes death.
A build up of power and control was how “Allyson,” of Kennebunkport, said she ended up being abused by her partner.
“For me the progression from verbal to mental to physical was how I was broken. It happened over time,” she said.
For Allyson, the progression of abuse was the period where her abuser was “grooming” her to gain power.
“It’s so easy to overlook what others see plain as day, especially when it happened to you gradually,” she said.
Statistics show that people who grew up being abused are more likely to become victims of domestic violence as adults, and the pattern of domestic abuse is often passed down through generations. This was the case for “Jo,” a domestic abuse survivor formerly of Kennebunk. She explained what it was like growing up with a father who was the abuser.
“My mother was a victim of domestic abuse that extended to me and my sister. My father was okay when he was sober but when he was drinking he was terrible. He would hit my mother, call her names and threaten her with awful things,” she said. “He always told my sister and I that we were ugly and stupid just like our mother.”
Jo said that despite the terror of being brought up with a father who was abusive, both she and her sister gravitated toward men who were also domestic abusers.
“We felt we were worthless inside – that’s what was drilled into our heads,” she said. “We were broken.”
“Becky,” formerly of York County, was also brought up in a home riddled with domestic abuse — physical, verbal and sexual. As an adult, she too chose partners who were abusive. She described a scenario she once experienced as a victim.
“I woke up one time blindfolded and tied up at the hands of my husband….he had complete control over anything and everything I did,” she said. “I always knew it was bad, but it was also something that I had become used to. It was all I had ever known.”
‘You become brainwashed’
For many victims, the “violence, fear and demands soon take over every aspect of their lives,” said Detective Sgt. Steve Webster of the South Portland Police Department.
“People need to know that victims are in a tough spot and it isn’t always possible to ‘just leave,’” he said.
Becky said she stayed because she was “terrified.”
“I thought if I did leave, he would find me and he would kill me or my children. I had a protection order against him, but I knew that wasn’t going to stop him,” she said.
To this day, decades later, she says she still lives in fear that her abuser may come after her.
Psychological damage also plays a role.
Deborah Burpee, a licensed clinical social worker, works with domestic abuse victims and survivors in her practice. She explained some of the psychological ramifications victims have as a result.
“Experiencing the trauma of abuse teaches us that our boundaries are not to be respected and that we do not have worth, resulting in a profound loss of sense of safety and security, and what genuine safety and security feels like,” Burpee said.
Domestic abuse survivor “Janet” of Kennebunk said the shame and secrecy she harbored while being abused by her ex-husband years ago was what kept her from seeking help.
“You become brainwashed. You really feel like it is your fault – like you did something to deserve it,” she said.
Janet said she also felt people would not believe or support her.
“He made sure the bruises he inflicted were in places that couldn’t be seen easily,” she said. “One day, he blew up at me in his parents driveway. We were in the truck and he grabbed me, pulled me out, and proceeded to kick me over and over again. His father ran out of the house and pulled him off me. I will never forget what my father-in-law at the time said to him: ‘Don’t you ever touch her again where the neighbors can see it.’
“I knew then that I was going to have a hard time getting any support or having people believe me – no matter what,” she said.
Former York County resident and domestic abuse survivor Heather agreed with Janet and said her willingness to forgive her abuser and “go back” put her life in jeopardy. When her abusive boyfriend begged her to come home, she did.
“He called and said he was sorry and asked me to ‘please come home.’ I believed him – or I wanted to believe him,” Heather said.
What happened when she returned almost killed her.
“It was a brutal beating, I ended up with a skull fracture, broken jaw, broken ribs, a broken hand, and severe facial contusions. I want people to know that this is no joke,” she said.
Where to turn
Kennebunk Police Chief Police Robert Mackenzie said the Kennebunk Police Department takes all domestic violence calls “very seriously” and that domestic violence training is mandatory for all law enforcement officers in Maine.
“Our officers have the best and most up to date resources and tools to help when we respond or when people reach out to us. We put victims on the phone with Caring Unlimited (a domestic abuse shelter in Sanford) immediately and provide a packet of information which we go over with them in detail,” he said.
Burpee suggests those affected by domestic abuse seek mental health counseling and that they develop a “natural support system of family, friends, doctors, groups and any other perceived support.”
“Counseling is an integral part of the healing process. People who live through domestic violence develop cognitive distortions about who they are and how they experience the world. These faulty patterns of thinking interfere with functioning and also exacerbate symptoms they may be having as a result of the violence,” Burpee said. “Counseling can help change the cognitive distortions, and in turn, improve functioning and lead to a better quality of life.”
From her experience, Janet agreed.
“The support of my best friend, who was also going through what I was at the time was a lifesaver for me. We both felt helpless, but we were the glue that held each other together. We gave each other strength.”
New beginnings
Janet’s friend has since passed away. Today, Janet is an advocate for victims and she continues to speak up and tell her story to help others.
“I do it in honor of my best friend,” she said.
Like Janet, Heather, Jo, Becky and Allyson have escaped their abusive situations and are in healthy relationships with others today. All five women say they came forward to share their stories and stand in unity as survivors. They all share one common goal: To help others who may be in the position they were once in.
“If I can offer anyone hope – to just let them know there is help and there are good people out there – it was all worth it,” Janet said.
Heather said her goal is that others will gain strength from her story to seek help.
“Please, if you are going through this or know someone who is, do whatever you can to break the silence. Speak up, do something before it’s too late,” she said.
Get help
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
For more information on domestic violence and resources, visit www.ndvh.org.