Have you ever read a book that helped you to view a difficult subject in a new light and think about possible out-of-the-box solutions? I did recently.
The book is Amanda Maciel’s debut novel, “Tease.” Although it is fiction, Maciel wrote it when she was deeply troubled by a high school student’s suicide and the consequences for a community. The story segues beautifully between the events leading up to a girl’s death and the weeks before the trial of her peers, whose actions led up to this act of desperation.
I want to end bullying — I grew up with a sister who was tormented for her disabilities — but I have learned that when we focus on ending a problem we tend to limit ourselves to a slim range of potential solutions that are somebody else’s responsibility to put into practice. In contrast, envisioning what we ultimately want enables us to think more freely and realize we, too, have a role.
For me, that ultimate goal is creating an educational system and society that enables and empowers our young people to treat each other with decency: a blend of kindness, dignity and ethics. Our own conduct, our schools and the larger society of which are a part all will play a role.
William Shakespeare commented the world is a stage. He got that right. Most of us interact with people on a daily basis. Being mindful we’re setting examples we’d like children to follow is always a good idea.
When you communicate with someone, either in real life or virtually, what words and tone do you use? How would you feel if they were directed toward you? Is responding immediately always a good idea? Are there times when you don’t have all the information or might benefit from taking a deep breath, basically taking a step back from a strong emotion?
How about your nonverbal behaviors? For example, think back to the last time someone you were talking to was distracted. How did you feel? We all have times we can’t give someone our full attention. When this is the case, is it better to explain and seek to postpone the conversation?
How do you handle situations in which an absent person is disrespected? If you’re like me, and you’re also aggravated with this person, it can be hard not to chime in. Remember, though, if you preach one thing and live another, kids will take their cues from what you do rather than what you say. They have very low tolerance for what they perceive as hypocrisy.
Do you tell someone when you perceive something good about him or her? If you don’t, you’re hardly alone. Our society seems to equate honesty with criticism. We’re led to believe that positive comments are flattery, kissing up or a sign of weakness. Don’t believe that. When more of us sincerely appreciate each other, that will set an amazing example for the next generation.
As for our schools, how do we make them into havens where each student feels valued, safe and free to pursue his or her interests and passions, where decency is as much a part of the curriculum as mathematics? How do we create a space where every adult, from cafeteria worker to principal to volunteer, models the behaviors we want kids to see and is accessible? When we expect guidance counselors and teachers to do it all, we allow kids to compartmentalize decency as a subject and discount the potential of other adults. I’ve met some janitors to whom kids really relate.
How do we combat the test score focus and the cuts to “frills” that leave many children behind or at least overlooked? How do we create the myriad of opportunities that allow the kids who aren’t as competitive at academics or sports to shine? How do we reinforce cooperation? How do we enable children to retain their intrinsic love of learning rather than just compete for grades and trophies?
As far as our larger society, look at it critically. What are our children learning, for better or for worse, from institutions ranging from clubs to the media? In an election year, politics can be a good start — and an institution we all can influence.
Julia Emily Hathaway is the vice chair of the Veazie School Committee and is a proud mother of three.